by | Faith Lived Out, Life Application
I woke up this morning determined to spend time with Jesus. I'm sorry to say that it has been far too long since I have opened my Bible and spent time in God's Word. These past few days have been a struggle for me. I didn't keep my focus on Him, and because of that I made poor choices. Yesterday I walked around with guilt, anger, and shame for the things I allowed myself to do. I cried out to God many times. Why did I have to wait for something to go wrong to cry out to God? Because I'm human.
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by | Life Application
It's only Thursday, but it's been an incredible week! I was going through a box of pictures today that took me down memory lane; they weren't necessarily all good memories either. I laughed, cried, and shook my head in disbelief at some of the images I was reminded of.
I flipped through pictures of my Senior high school trip - we thought we were invincible. I smiled at the poses and the thought of sneaking drinks into our room as underage risk takers. Then I was reminded of the irresponsible last night I spent on that trip. I don't have memories of it; just friends that tell me about it.
I found pictures of my dad and grandpa. My dad had a beer in his hand and a cigarette in his mouth. I shed some tears, but soon reminded myself that he is with our Heavenly Father. He'll never struggle with wanting a drink again. I miss him dearly, but I'm so grateful that he no longer suffers.
Pictures of my 21st birthday party reminded me once again how crazy I was. I had a drink in my hand and the language of a sailor. It wasn't my proudest moment.
Then I ran across the inspiring pictures of our trip to Bayou La Batre, Alabama. There were lives changed in those pictures. Homeless people were fed, strangers came to know Jesus, and God continuously showed his grace in each shot. That was the beginning of the end of my old self.
My dear Caleb reminded me once again just how cute he is. Easter pictures, birthday parties, and carnivals had me grinning from ear to ear. If only I could have a few of those moments with him back to make sure he knew just how much I loved him.
I was sitting with a friend today talking about things of my past. As I looked in the mirror, I let my mind wander off to those days. I shook my head in shame, thinking of the person I used to be. My shame started to run away with me, until I felt God's whisper on my heart. I no longer have to feel shame for the things of my past. Why? Because there is no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus.
I look at myself today and the person I once was. Wow! What a transformation. This week I have focused on seeing God's greatness in me, and I have definitely allowed myself to see it. I have woke up every day this week and repeated the words of Joyce Meyer, "Something good is going to happen to me today." Something good has definitely happened.
- Monday I learned of God's greatness in me.
- Tuesday I hit the scale to learn I've lost 71 pounds.
- Wednesday I got an email from an interested employer who found me through my blog.
- Thursday I interviewed with that employer and got the job.
I can't wait to see what Friday brings. I have been set free from all the condemnation in my life. It seems like only yesterday when I lived for the world, but today I live for Jesus. Praise Him! I have confessed my sins. I have been purified from ALL unrighteousness. I have been forgiven.
Thank you Jesus!
by | Faith Lived Out, Life Application
We had a great speaker in our Monday morning women's Bible study, Callie Newton. The topic was seeing God's greatness in ourselves. What perfect timing. This has been an issue I have struggled with for a while now. However, the discussion showed me just how far I have come in realizing the greatness in me. I've been able to see my greatness without feeling guilt or arrogance.
I met a woman in the group that is new to our church. I couldn't remember her name for the life of me, but I knew there was something about her that I liked. We clicked. Later in the morning I found myself sharing intimate parts of my life with her. I told her about being broken before God in September, about the sister that God sent to be with me through my brokenness, about suffering sexual abuse, and about the death of my father.
When the conversation was over she thanked me for being so open with her. I had to stop and take a deep breath for a moment. I closed my eyes, scratched my head, and tried to replay in my head exactly what had just happened. I just told a complete stranger things I barely talk about with those closest to me. Then I realized the purpose of the whole conversation. I don't know what she got out of it, but I know what I did.
My "pop" passed away in February, and it has been a strange four months. I have went through phases of refusing to admit he was gone, to crying crocodile tears, begging for him to come back. This past month I have decided not to talk about it at all. If I don't talk about it, it never happened. I have refused to say the words died, passed away, and anything else referring to death. I woke up this morning with him on my mind - I'm missing him very much.
As I was sharing parts of my life over the last two years, I gave bits and pieces of the history with my dad. In August he was diagnosed with cancer. In September I had a nervous breakdown (or breakthrough as I like to call it), two days after we had an argument. I was unable to care for myself physically for several months. I struggled so much during that time, knowing I wasn't there to take care of him. He was going through chemo and radiation by himself. I needed to be there to take care of him! God couldn't do it by Himself, I had to help.
As I was talking I felt God's comfort. I felt like a little girl sitting on his lap as he said, "Sweet child, I did take care of him. He was never alone." Those words were so comforting to me. I have lived with guilt for almost a year, thinking that I wasn't there to care for my dad. As the guilt ran through my mind again, God reminded me that my dad needed broken too. As I went through my brokenness, so did he.
Most of you reading this know the rest of the story. But for those of you who don't, I'll share briefly. I sat by my dad's side for three weeks in January as he approached his final days. I took care of him, prayed with him, read to him, and just loved him. But most importantly, I had the privilege of bringing him to Jesus. He passed away in February. I was the last person to talk to him, and the last words I ever heard from him were "I love you". At his funeral five people came to know Jesus.
As I shared this story with my new friend, I could see the hallelujah in her eyes. It brought tears to my eyes and a big smile to my face. God reminded me again in his lovely, soothing voice that He had taken care of my dad. I smiled and nodded in agreement that he certainly had. In a way we were broken together.
Things I learned today:
- I am recognizing God's greatness in me.
- God teaches me things in amazing ways.
- I am comforted in knowing that my dad was never alone, even though he may have felt like it.
- I don't ever have to wonder if I will see my dad again - I know where he's at, and that is great comfort.
- I wouldn't take back one moment, good or bad, that I have went through in the past ten months, because it's now part of my greatness.
God, You are an amazing father. You know when to comfort me, when to humble me, when to break me, when to love me most. Through all of my stubbornness, pride, and selfishness, you still love me. I want to love like you love me. I want to walk like Jesus walked. Thank you for the walls you have broken down. Thank you for the comfort you have given me. Thank you for the days you wrap me in your arms and give me the most amazing, indescribable love. Tell Pop I love him!
by | Life Application
When I finish writing this I'll probably be asking why I allowed myself to be so vulnerable, but I'm writing it anyway. Over the past seven months I have been breaking free from many strongholds in my life.
Thanks to God, Beth Moore, friends, and family, I have begun to transform myself. It's been an amazing, yet extremely tough process. Yesterday I realized just how far I still had to go, but was thankful for how far I have already come.
Since I have started the process of getting my health back and losing weight, I have been very excited, yet scared to death. My weight loss has showed me just how insecure I've allowed myself to become.
Yesterday a friend called and asked me to meet her at the coffee shop. As much as I wanted to spend quality time with her, I was scared to death. I smiled and nodded on the phone, trying to think of an excuse not to go, as I kindly agreed I would meet her there.
What's so scary about that? Well, I knew she was going to compliment me. You're probably thinking by now that I'm nuts. Everyone wants to be complimented!
For those of you that know me, I've always been a t-shirt and jeans type of girl. I love my ball cap and flip flops. I've been learning that those things aren't really who I am; they're just what I've allowed myself to become. Covering my head with a hat and throwing on a pair of jeans became a shield for me. I knew people wouldn't compliment me on my hair, or tell me how nice I looked. It was a way to keep people away from me, for fear of being hurt by someone.
I walked into the coffee shop yesterday without a ball cap, without my flip flops, refusing to allow myself to make eye contact with her. I crossed my arms and sat back in the chair, hoping she wouldn't even notice I was there. She noticed. She smiled and started to say something, and I blurted out as fast as I could "shut-up!" My insecurities were on overload and my defenses were locked, loaded and ready to fire.
Last night I realized what a goof I must have looked like. I apologized to her for my rudeness. She then challenged me to close my eyes and allow God to compliment me. I cried and allowed myself to blink. That's closing my eyes right? Surely He can compliment me that fast. Then I took a deep breath and closed them. He complimented me indeed. This time I wasn't afraid of being hurt. I smiled in knowing that God is enthralled by my beauty.
I've never had to worry about receiving compliments, because I've never allowed myself to break barriers. Now that I am succeeding in my weight loss, and breaking more barriers in my life, I realize that my walls are being broken down and I don't have the control I once had. That's scary. I tend to like control.
Now how do I allow myself to take compliments from people? One thank you at a time I suppose. How do I allow myself to believe that I am a beautiful creation in Christ? By reading His word and believing.
Here we go.
by | Faith Lived Out, Life Application
I woke up this morning with a task list in my head of things I wanted to get done. I had been productive two days in a row, and was pumped to do it again. After reading some devotions, I posted on my Facebook status that I wanted to be real today. I have no idea where the thought came from; it popped into my head and so I posted it.
My friend instant messaged me later this morning, telling me to prepare myself because she had a few assignments for my heart. I have learned over the past six months that when she usually tells me something like that, I better listen. It seems when God is trying to talk to me, He tends to do it through her quite often.
She called me with the assignment that I was to bless someone today who had hurt me in the past. I had her repeat herself again just to confirm what I was hoping she hadn’t said. I was to bless someone who had mistreated me. Was she serious? Was God serious? I sat there for a moment, then I read Luke 6. I read it again, then went for a walk. I was determined to avoid this subject and focus on my task list for the day.
Halfway through the day I let her know I was avoiding the subject, and she kindly let me know that perhaps it wasn’t such a great idea to rebel against God. Perhaps she was right. I read Luke 6 again. Who was I supposed to bless? Was I supposed to make a list of those who had hurt me? I didn’t want to be reminded of that. I definitely wanted to rebel against God at this point, and slap her for bringing it up.
Here I sit at Panera on a Thursday evening, drowning my thoughts with carbs. I haven’t blessed anyone, and today’s task list has barely been touched. I’m thinking I’ve figured out the reason behind that. For the record, I have swallowed my pride and asked God to forgive me for being such a pain in His butt.
One task I did accomplish today, being real. I didn’t work on my Bible study this morning, I didn’t get half the things done I wanted to, and I didn’t work on the assignment God put on my heart. Does it get more real than that?
Tomorrow: Blessing someone who has hurt me. After that, figuring out where to go from there.
by | Life Application
It's beautiful outside today. You can't look around and tell that last night there were severe thunderstorm warnings on the news for Branson. I'm sitting out on the deck of my apartment enjoying the view. Wait a minute! What view? That apartment building directly across from me looks just the same as mine. I'll enjoy the view of my neighbors instead.
I can smell the barbecue grills blazing. I see the kids on their skateboards. Here comes the neighbor in her Dodge Ram, bumper sticker filled truck.
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