by | Faith Lived Out, Life Application
We had a great speaker in our Monday morning women’s Bible study, Callie Newton. The topic was seeing God’s greatness in ourselves. What perfect timing. This has been an issue I have struggled with for a while now. However, the discussion showed me just how far I have come in realizing the greatness in me. I’ve been able to see my greatness without feeling guilt or arrogance.
I met a woman in the group that is new to our church. I couldn’t remember her name for the life of me, but I knew there was something about her that I liked. We clicked. Later in the morning I found myself sharing intimate parts of my life with her. I told her about being broken before God in September, about the sister that God sent to be with me through my brokenness, about suffering sexual abuse, and about the death of my father.
When the conversation was over she thanked me for being so open with her. I had to stop and take a deep breath for a moment. I closed my eyes, scratched my head, and tried to replay in my head exactly what had just happened. I just told a complete stranger things I barely talk about with those closest to me. Then I realized the purpose of the whole conversation. I don’t know what she got out of it, but I know what I did.
My “pop” passed away in February, and it has been a strange four months. I have went through phases of refusing to admit he was gone, to crying crocodile tears, begging for him to come back. This past month I have decided not to talk about it at all. If I don’t talk about it, it never happened. I have refused to say the words died, passed away, and anything else referring to death. I woke up this morning with him on my mind – I’m missing him very much.
As I was sharing parts of my life over the last two years, I gave bits and pieces of the history with my dad. In August he was diagnosed with cancer. In September I had a nervous breakdown (or breakthrough as I like to call it), two days after we had an argument. I was unable to care for myself physically for several months. I struggled so much during that time, knowing I wasn’t there to take care of him. He was going through chemo and radiation by himself. I needed to be there to take care of him! God couldn’t do it by Himself, I had to help.
As I was talking I felt God’s comfort. I felt like a little girl sitting on his lap as he said, “Sweet child, I did take care of him. He was never alone.” Those words were so comforting to me. I have lived with guilt for almost a year, thinking that I wasn’t there to care for my dad. As the guilt ran through my mind again, God reminded me that my dad needed broken too. As I went through my brokenness, so did he.
Most of you reading this know the rest of the story. But for those of you who don’t, I’ll share briefly. I sat by my dad’s side for three weeks in January as he approached his final days. I took care of him, prayed with him, read to him, and just loved him. But most importantly, I had the privilege of bringing him to Jesus. He passed away in February. I was the last person to talk to him, and the last words I ever heard from him were “I love you”. At his funeral five people came to know Jesus.
As I shared this story with my new friend, I could see the hallelujah in her eyes. It brought tears to my eyes and a big smile to my face. God reminded me again in his lovely, soothing voice that He had taken care of my dad. I smiled and nodded in agreement that he certainly had. In a way we were broken together.
Things I learned today:
- I am recognizing God’s greatness in me.
- God teaches me things in amazing ways.
- I am comforted in knowing that my dad was never alone, even though he may have felt like it.
- I don’t ever have to wonder if I will see my dad again – I know where he’s at, and that is great comfort.
- I wouldn’t take back one moment, good or bad, that I have went through in the past ten months, because it’s now part of my greatness.
God, You are an amazing father. You know when to comfort me, when to humble me, when to break me, when to love me most. Through all of my stubbornness, pride, and selfishness, you still love me. I want to love like you love me. I want to walk like Jesus walked. Thank you for the walls you have broken down. Thank you for the comfort you have given me. Thank you for the days you wrap me in your arms and give me the most amazing, indescribable love. Tell Pop I love him!
by | Life Application
When I finish writing this I’ll probably be asking why I allowed myself to be so vulnerable, but I’m writing it anyway. Over the past seven months I have been breaking free from many strongholds in my life.
Thanks to God, Beth Moore, friends, and family, I have begun to transform myself. It’s been an amazing, yet extremely tough process. Yesterday I realized just how far I still had to go, but was thankful for how far I have already come.
Since I have started the process of getting my health back and losing weight, I have been very excited, yet scared to death. My weight loss has showed me just how insecure I’ve allowed myself to become.
Yesterday a friend called and asked me to meet her at the coffee shop. As much as I wanted to spend quality time with her, I was scared to death. I smiled and nodded on the phone, trying to think of an excuse not to go, as I kindly agreed I would meet her there.
What’s so scary about that? Well, I knew she was going to compliment me. You’re probably thinking by now that I’m nuts. Everyone wants to be complimented!
For those of you that know me, I’ve always been a t-shirt and jeans type of girl. I love my ball cap and flip flops. I’ve been learning that those things aren’t really who I am; they’re just what I’ve allowed myself to become. Covering my head with a hat and throwing on a pair of jeans became a shield for me. I knew people wouldn’t compliment me on my hair, or tell me how nice I looked. It was a way to keep people away from me, for fear of being hurt by someone.
I walked into the coffee shop yesterday without a ball cap, without my flip flops, refusing to allow myself to make eye contact with her. I crossed my arms and sat back in the chair, hoping she wouldn’t even notice I was there. She noticed. She smiled and started to say something, and I blurted out as fast as I could “shut-up!” My insecurities were on overload and my defenses were locked, loaded and ready to fire.
Last night I realized what a goof I must have looked like. I apologized to her for my rudeness. She then challenged me to close my eyes and allow God to compliment me. I cried and allowed myself to blink. That’s closing my eyes right? Surely He can compliment me that fast. Then I took a deep breath and closed them. He complimented me indeed. This time I wasn’t afraid of being hurt. I smiled in knowing that God is enthralled by my beauty.
I’ve never had to worry about receiving compliments, because I’ve never allowed myself to break barriers. Now that I am succeeding in my weight loss, and breaking more barriers in my life, I realize that my walls are being broken down and I don’t have the control I once had. That’s scary. I tend to like control.
Now how do I allow myself to take compliments from people? One thank you at a time I suppose. How do I allow myself to believe that I am a beautiful creation in Christ? By reading His word and believing.
Here we go.
by | Faith Lived Out, Life Application
I woke up this morning with a task list in my head of things I wanted to get done. I had been productive two days in a row, and was pumped to do it again. After reading some devotions, I posted on my Facebook status that I wanted to be real today. I have no idea where the thought came from; it popped into my head and so I posted it.
My friend instant messaged me later this morning, telling me to prepare myself because she had a few assignments for my heart. I have learned over the past six months that when she usually tells me something like that, I better listen. It seems when God is trying to talk to me, He tends to do it through her quite often.
She called me with the assignment that I was to bless someone today who had hurt me in the past. I had her repeat herself again just to confirm what I was hoping she hadn’t said. I was to bless someone who had mistreated me. Was she serious? Was God serious? I sat there for a moment, then I read Luke 6. I read it again, then went for a walk. I was determined to avoid this subject and focus on my task list for the day.
Halfway through the day I let her know I was avoiding the subject, and she kindly let me know that perhaps it wasn’t such a great idea to rebel against God. Perhaps she was right. I read Luke 6 again. Who was I supposed to bless? Was I supposed to make a list of those who had hurt me? I didn’t want to be reminded of that. I definitely wanted to rebel against God at this point, and slap her for bringing it up.
Here I sit at Panera on a Thursday evening, drowning my thoughts with carbs. I haven’t blessed anyone, and today’s task list has barely been touched. I’m thinking I’ve figured out the reason behind that. For the record, I have swallowed my pride and asked God to forgive me for being such a pain in His butt.
One task I did accomplish today, being real. I didn’t work on my Bible study this morning, I didn’t get half the things done I wanted to, and I didn’t work on the assignment God put on my heart. Does it get more real than that?
Tomorrow: Blessing someone who has hurt me. After that, figuring out where to go from there.
by | Life Application
It’s beautiful outside today. You can’t look around and tell that last night there were severe thunderstorm warnings on the news for Branson. I’m sitting out on the deck of my apartment enjoying the view. Wait a minute! What view? That apartment building directly across from me looks just the same as mine. I’ll enjoy the view of my neighbors instead.
I can smell the barbecue grills blazing. I see the kids on their skateboards. Here comes the neighbor in her Dodge Ram, bumper sticker filled truck.
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by | Life Application
I never thought I would say those words, but it’s true. I picked Caleb up from school today and surprised him with a trip to the movie theatre to see Hannah Montana: The Movie.
My excitement wasn’t in the fact that I was going to sit through this movie, but in the fact that I could enjoy Caleb’s smile as he did.
We got our tickets, our popcorn, and his Blueberry slush. As Caleb opened the door and walked into the theatre, a huge smile crossed his face. The place was empty. He thought I had rented the place out for just the two of us – it was the perfect date. I smiled as big as I could wishing I could take the credit. I let him know I couldn’t take the credit, but perhaps God was helping out in making it our special “date”.
We snuggled into the middle row and munched on our popcorn. As he slurped and fixed his eyes on the screen, I couldn’t help but fix my eyes on him. It dawned on me that Hannah Montana was the last movie we would watch together for a long time. I closed my eyes and prayed over him.
In the movie, Miley, Hanna’s alter ego, gets caught up in the lifestyle of fame. Her family and friends get put on the back burner as she glams it up with high heels and lipstick. She gets tricked into going back to her roots for two weeks by her dad. His plan is to bring her back to who she really is.
Of course there was a happy ending. Miley finds who she is again. She finds wisdom. She falls in love with a boy. They live happily ever after-I assume.
As I watched the transformation in Hannah herself and snuggled close to Caleb I evaluated my own life. It’s so easy to get caught up in the things of this world. I find myself doing it much too often.
Reality set in this evening that my days with Caleb are numbered. He is leaving on Saturday. Spongebob on Saturday’s won’t be the same. Subway won’t be near as fresh without him. Who will I rival against on the Xbox?
For eight years my life has been absorbed with this blessing from God. In three days he will be thousands of miles away. He has reminded me that it’s the small things in life that matter the most.
When I go to bed at night and think about tomorrow, it’s not the dream job that will matter. It’s not going to be about the next car I want to buy. The most important things that fill my mind, and that will fill my mind years later when this crazy life is still passing by, are memories with the ones I love. I’ll remember tucking him in, reading him the Bible, and laughing at absolutely nothing.
I recently had the privilege of helping a dear friend. As she lay in the hospital I realized that the busyness of this world still exists. The day wasn’t about the news, it wasn’t about Facebook, and it wasn’t about the lunch special. For me it was learning about the Relationship Principles of Jesus. I was caught up in what true friendship is really all about. That’s a memory that will surpass any exciting career move I could ever make. That’s a memory that will replace any “dream come true”.
What if we are so engulfed in the world that we miss these opportunities? What if we allow the next email on our Blackberry to keep us from having an intimate conversation with someone that we love? What if we worry so much about ourselves that we miss the chance to uplift someone else? What if we continue to say what if? Here’s an idea: How about we stop!
Let’s make life happen. Let’s stop taking these “little things” for granted and make them the “big things”. I don’t want to be 50 years old, looking back on my life and wondering why my cup is still half empty. I don’t want my life to be an “if only” life.
I have a picture on my wall from a friend that I received when my father passed away. It reads: “Enjoy the little things in life, for one day you’ll look back and realize they were the big things.” What else needs to be said?
Perhaps I’ll close with some wise words from Hannah Montana herself. “Life is a climb, but the view is great!”
by | Life Application
[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LfeXxkbgCVE]
