by | Life Application
Today is the final day of the Restoration series. Thank you for following me as I have processed truth, emotions, and more truth with you through this blog.
If you’re just joining, you can get caught up here:
The Beginning of Restoration
She Really Answered – Part Two of the Restoration Series
Finally We Meet – Part Three of the Restoration Series
Necessary Memories Exposed – Part Four of the Restoration Series
Saying Goodbye to Denial – Part Five of the Restoration Series
Addiction is just a symptom of a deeper problem.
My dad chose to avoid the deeper problems. It killed him.
I don’t think I really absorbed what I had learned. As a matter of fact, there are moments I am still not sure I have absorbed it. I know God is going to use this truth for bigger things and I just have to continue to trust Him. It’s all a process.
Julie and I continued to talk. We went back and forth from happy memories to sad. We laughed. I think we both wanted to cry, but didn’t.
I sat across from a woman whom I used to hate. When I heard her name I cringed. When I thought of her, my face turned bright red and anger ate away at me. Not that day. There was no anger. There was no resentment. We talked about faith, Jesus, love, anger, sadness, and forgiveness.
“I really want to continue to have a relationship with you,” I said. “I want to ask your forgiveness for anything I’ve ever done to hurt you.”
Her feeling was mutual. Forgiveness was in the air.
One point Jesus! Zero for Satan.
Four hours had passed and we had deeper conversation, filled with more love than we had ever had in our previous time together. It was real. It was straight from the heart. Fear was gone. Safety took its place. God was truly putting pieces of the restoration puzzle together.
It was time for me to go.
Before I left I asked her if I could pray with her. It took me 10 minutes to have the courage enough to do that. She said yes. There we sat, holding hands, putting years of bitterness behind us, as God got the glory for the restoration in our relationship.
“I’ve always loved you,” she said. “I always will.”
“I love you too.”
On the 3 hour journey back home, I was trying to wrap my mind around all that had happened. What started as a simple phone call to say hello turned into a 4 hour truth and forgiveness session. My cup was full. Not only had I left there with a restored friendship, but I left with a new love in my heart for a woman I had shared many years of my life with.
I look forward to the years we will share down the road. The memories. I look forward to her being at my wedding. Taking part in my graduation ceremony from college. Being there when my first book is published.
Today I thank God for heart changes. I thank God for truth, even if it hurts. I thank God for second chances. I thank Him for restoration.
What relationship do you need to start restoring? Comment below…
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by | Life Application
photo credit: flickr (creative commons)
Today is part five of the Restoration series. If you are just now tuning in, you can get caught up here:
The Beginning of Restoration
She Really Answered – Part Two of the Restoration Series
Finally We Meet – Part Three of the Restoration Series
Necessary Memories Exposed – Part Four of the Restoration Series
I couldn’t do anything. I couldn’t say anything. I just nodded my head and continued to listen. My heart was dying inside and I was trying everything I could to pretend like I hadn’t heard what she was saying.
If only that would have been the worst of it.
Have you ever known the truth deep inside, but the depth of denial just wouldn’t allow you to let the truth in? I am realizing that I have been in this stage for two years now. This stage of denial is coming to an end and to be honest,
I hate it…
There are some things I want to keep private to honor our conversation, but here is the sum. Though I will never be 100% sure, because only God and my dad know, I am 98.9% sure that my dad didn’t die from cancer. He didn’t die from a bad heart. He didn’t die from the fluid on his lungs. He didn’t die from aspirating.
He died from a drug overdose – a legal drug overdose.
God must have known I didn’t need this truth until now. But it still sucks. It hurts. I’m angry. I’m heartbroken. I’m overwhelmed with truth.
I find myself being so angry with him. He had a second chance at life and he blew it. Again.
He won’t walk me down the aisle at my wedding. He won’t be there to celebrate my first book being published. He won’t be there when I receive my degree. He wasn’t there to see my weight loss. He wasn’t there to see me complete the Table Rock Freedom Center. Why?
Because of an addiction.
Because he never chose to deal with his problems.
Because he chose to die a victim of circumstances.
Because he never took responsibility.
Because in the end, it was still about him, whether he realized it or not.
My dad died a sick man. Sick with cancer. Sick with fluid on his lungs. Sick with a feeding tube in his stomach. My dad was sick with a broken heart that he never tried to heal. It killed him. He used medicine intended to help him. Instead, it took his life.
I know that he loved me. I know that he would never want to hurt me on purpose. But does that make it easier?
Not necessarily.
Do you know what I have left of my dad? A few pictures, a fishing pole, some marble collectibles, and many memories surrounded by addiction that I would like to forget.
Joyce Meyer says, “Hurting people hurt people.” She’s right.
My own addictions hurt people deeply. More than just me.
If you are struggling right now, with whatever it is, please read this blog again. Make it sink in. Play the movie out. What will happen in the end?
Addiction is just a symptom of a deeper problem.
My dad chose to avoid the deeper problems. It killed him. What will you choose to do today?
To be continued…
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by | Life Application
photo credit: flickr (creative commons)
Today I’m back to part three of the Restoration series. Remind me again why I decided to process this with all of you on a blog? Oh yes.. It held me accountable to do it. Thanks.
In case you haven’t been keeping up, here is part one and two of the series to get you caught up:
The Beginning of Restoration
She Really Answered – Part Two of the Restoration Series
She said in a genuine voice, “I’m looking forward to seeing you.”
And I said in a genuine voice, “Me too.” I meant it.
I hung up the phone and waited for Skeeter to pinch me. Was this real? Thirteen years of silence had just been broken. In one week I would see the woman I had once despised face to face.
Then Monday came. We decided to meet at Ruby Tuesdays. Okay, actually I decided to meet at Ruby Tuesdays. My emotions were telling me I wanted pizza, a cheesburger, as much chocolate as I could get my hands on, and anything else I could think of. I opted for the salad bar. P.S. I’m a sucker for Edamame. I order the all-you-can-eat salad bar and load my plate with the yummiest soybeans ever!
Ok – back on track.
We were to meet at noon. I showed up at 11:45 and sat in the booth trying to picture how this meeting was going to go. What if she really wasn’t happy to see me? Was I supposed to hug her? Perhaps I should just shake her hand? Should I smile with all my teeth or my mouth closed? What if she doesn’t show up?
My mind was running a thousand miles per hour and my hands were shaking. I stared at the clock on my phone contemplating whether I should just leave and forget this whole thing ever happened. I still had time to sneak out before she got here. Even if she was here perhaps she wouldn’t recognize me. We hadn’t seen each other in 13 years. It was a great plan. I could dart out and just put it all past me.
I wanted to see her. I didn’t want to see her. I wanted to hug her. I wanted to throw up. I wanted to run.
Then there she was..
She walked around the corner and our eyes met. It was too late to run. I don’t remember standing up, but all of a sudden there we were embracing each other. Thirteen years of distance had been tossed out with a hug; a hug I had no idea how much I desperately wanted. I was trying really hard to cry. Get it together Sundi Jo. She’s only been here for 30 seconds.
She looked different, yet the same. The last time she saw me I weighed over 230 pounds. To her, I was an entirely different person. We sat down as I silently prayed, “God, you’ve got to direction this conversation. I have no clue what I’m doing.” I can imagine she was thinking the same thing.
“You look great,” she said with a huge smile.
“Thank you.”
We figured up the time since we had last seen each other and made small talk. Our poor waitress knew she was in for the long haul when she came to the table three times and we couldn’t even remember the menus were in front of us. Perhaps my shaking hands gave her the clue that I had no idea what I was doing. I think I remembered to order water if that counts.
As we made more small talk I started to realize that soon we would be talking about the subject I had wanted to avoid – my dad. Of course I knew it was coming, but I wasn’t ready for it. I’m not sure you can be ready for something like that. We finally ordered, filled our plates at the salad bar, and there was that known silence in the air that the unavoidable subject was about to begin.
I wasn’t ready for the truth that would soon hit me.
To be continued…
by | Life Application
photo credit: flickr (creative commons)
In case you are just joining this blog, I started the first post yesterday in the restoration series. Check out the beginning here.
I picked up the phone and said, “God, you’ve got to speak through me. I have no idea what to say.” I looked at Skeeter the dog, got the go ahead from her kisses, and dialed the number.
Don’t answer. Don’t answer. Don’t answer. I’m not ready. Don’t answer. Don’t answer. Don’t answer.
“Hello,” said the deep voice on the other side of the phone. I immediately knew it was her dad, Don. I hadn’t heard his voice in years, but it immediately brought back the memories of fishing with him on Sundays, and eating ice cream while I tried to avoid the psychotic bark of his tiny Chichaua Fifi.
“Is Julie there?” I asked.
“Are you here?” he asked her in the background before he came back to the line.
“She’s not here.”
I laughed and said, “Okay, will you tell her that Sundi Jo called?”
The surprise in his voice wasn’t hidden as he asked in shock, “Sundi Jo? Yes, she’s here!”
The few seconds it took her to come to the phone seemed like an eternity to me. The spinning in my head reminded me that I needed to breathe. I was exhaling just as she got on the phone and said, “hello.”
“Hey, this is Sundi Jo, how are you?” I was multitasking at this point. Trying to remember to breathe. Hold the phone to my ear. Shaking my leg 100 miles per hour. Again, remembering to breathe. Keeping a smile on my face. Always smile on the phone. I learned this from being on the radio. People can hear your smile.
“I’m good. How are you?”
“I’m doing great.” I was actually telling the truth. I was doing great. For the first time in my life I was really living. She had no idea I had been simply surviving all these years.
“You sound great,” she said. “It’s been so long.” I know in the back of her mind she was waiting for me to deliver the bad news. Why could I possibly be calling her. Who was I getting ready to tell her had died. Afterall, the last time she had heard any news regarding me was hearing the death of my father.
“It has been a long time,” I said. “I’ve just been thinking about you and would love to catch up. I’m going to be in town next weekend and would love to take you out to lunch.”
“I would love that.”
Really? I’m not sure what type of response I was waiting for. I hadn’t thought that far through. I was simply trying to have the courage to dial the phone. I wasn’t prepared for her to say yes.
We had small talk for a little bit. This is what I’m doing today. How is so and so?
My nervous meter was at full capacity and I couldn’t talk anymore.
“Well, I’m looking forward to seeing you. I’ll call you next week and we’ll catch up.”
She said in a genuine voice, “I’m looking forward to seeing you.”
And I said in a genuine voice, “Me too.” I meant it.
I hung up the phone and waited for Skeeter to pinch me. Was this real? Thirteen years of silence had just been broken. In one week I would see the woman I had once despised face to face.
To be continued…
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by | Life Application
Over this last month God has done some GINORMOUS things in my life, including the restoration of a relationship I had never planned to restore. Honestly, He’s had me on super mode lately, and I haven’t gotten the time to sit down and process. So I thought, why not process with you? Tune in for the life-changing story of restoration with my step-mom, Julie.
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photo credit: flickr (creative commons)
For years I hated her. I couldn’t pin point an exact reason – there were several I guess. But I hated her. I fed that hate and a bitter root grew inside of me.
She had been with my dad for most of my life. The last time I saw her was 13 years ago as my dad lay in the hospital bed after a drunk driving accident. I was done with him. I decided to be done with her too. I chose to dwell on all the bad memories we had together and toss the good ones aside. She was the bad guy and it would stay that way. Afterall, step-moms are supposed to be the evil one anyway right?
A year ago, however, God said, “no more.” He was trying to teach me about love. I realized I couldn’t love with bitterness in my heart. I made the decision to forgive her. I made the decision to rip that bitterness up by its roots and toss it as far as I could. It was killing me. If I was going to die it wouldn’t be from hate. Besides, I could forgive her and never have to talk with her.
Then…
A month ago God did the BIG move. It was time to get in touch with her. I prayed about it. Then I waited. Then I prayed again just to make sure. Then I waited. Then I prayed again. Finally, I picked up the danged phone. I got the hint that God wasn’t going to change His mind.
I dialed her number having no idea what to expect. What do you say after 13 years?
“You have reached a number that is not accepting calls.”
I finally breathed and thought to myself, Well I tried. I was obedient. All was well.
But the feeling wouldn’t go away. I knew deep inside that wasn’t the end of it. Fast forward to three weeks ago. He said it was time to call her again. So, I dialed the number again, held my breath and waited. This time it said the phone wasn’t working. Another sigh of relief.
I imagined myself talking with her. What would I say? What would she say? It dawned on me at that moment that I had only been thinking about my side of the situation. What about hers? Perhaps she didn’t even want to talk to me. Duh! Fear overwhelmed me as I thought, What if she doesn’t want to talk to me? Of course she does. Why wouldn’t she want to talk to me? But what if she doesn’t? It doesn’t matter anyway Sundi Jo. You can’t get a hold of her.
It was calm again…
I started to feel confused, as I thought God wanted me to talk to her. I was being obedient to His will and it wasn’t working out. It didn’t make sense to me. Then on a Saturday afternoon, sitting on the couch of a friends house enjoying some peace and quiet while she was out of town, He let me know again it was time. I remembered my mom suggesting looking up her dad’s phone number on White Pages.
A few seconds later, there it was. The phone number I knew was going to lead me to her was staring me in the face. This was it. It was really going to happen. The butterflies in my gut danced around letting me know.
I picked up the phone and said, “God, you’ve got to speak through me. I have no idea what to say.” I looked at Skeeter the dog, got the go ahead from her kisses, and dialed the number.
Don’t answer. Don’t answer. Don’t answer. I’m not ready. Don’t answer. Don’t answer. Don’t answer.
“Hello.”
To be continued…
If you’re just starting, you can view the rest of the series here:
She Really Answered – Part Two of the Restoration Series
Finally We Meet – Part Three of the Restoration Series
Don’t want to miss the rest of this series? Click here to be notified of each new blog post as soon as it happens.
