Sometimes there are things we go through that the world may never know about. Then there are those things we go through that once we heal, God says, “share with someone else who needs some comfort.” This is one of those times.
I remember closing the door after our second date and looking at my dog Baby and saying, “I’m gonna marry that man!” Someone must have poisoned my taco salad. Those were not words that came out of my mouth that easily. It must have been indigestion causing me to hallucinate. How could a person possibly say that after a second date? Especially a person like me whose walls were guarded like Fort Knox when it came to allowing myself to be vulnerable with men.
Instead of fighting it, though, I just decided to embrace it, scared out of my wits. I teach other people to do it afraid. I suppose that now was the perfect time to practice what I preached.
I had done it. I had fallen in love. I had finally given my heart to someone and it felt amazing. When I looked into his eyes I felt safe. He had the most beautiful eyes I’d ever seen. His smile melted my heart. I knew I was in trouble the day I created a Pinterest board for wedding planning.
I texted my best friend Jammie and said, “Who am I? What is happening to me? I’m looking at wedding dresses and I’m not freaking out.” “You’re in love, my friend. Embrace it. It’s okay.” So I kept embracing it. And I allowed myself to be in love. And I allowed myself to be loved. And I allowed myself to envision a future with the man I thought I could spend the rest of my life with. And I let him meet my grandma.
I’d made a list several years ago of nonnegotiables I was seeking in a potential husband. Things like faith, integrity, etc. Of course I asked God if he could drive a truck and wear cowboy boots, but those were just bonuses. He answered that prayer and gave me a truck driving, cowboy boot wearing guy. Even though he drove a Ford I was willing to accept this minor flaw. After all, I had time to convert him to Chevrolet.
But then… things changed…
Some of those nonnegotiables on my list had shifted. Jealousy. Control. Manipulation. Things I attempted to ignore because love is blind, right? I even convinced myself maybe I was over thinking things. It was just me. I convinced myself that maybe I was just trying to self-sabotage the relationship because of my own fears.
I confronted things. I set boundaries. He honored them. For a minute. But we all know if we don’t get to the root of our issues, we’ll only achieve temporary results. And I knew I had to make a decision, not based on the opinions of others, but on what the Lord was telling me to do. I remembered the day I closed the door and told my dog I was going to marry him. How did we get here, God? This doesn’t match up. I was going to marry him! But things don’t always seem as they appear and the enemy always has a plan to steal, kill, and destroy.
I offered to walk through the journey with him of finding help. I offered to stick by his side as he got to the root of the issues behind his deepest pain. I didn’t want to give up. I didn’t want him to give up either. But in a moment, everything was over. In the blink of an eye, life was changed. Dreams were gone.
I cried for days, of course. I second-guessed my decision. I wanted my heart to stop hurting. I slept with my Bible close to my chest because I thought maybe it would it would hurt less. I waited for him to change his mind and say he would get help.
Thanksgiving came and I showed up to eat Grandma’s pumpkin pie with a broken heart. There she was at the front door when I pulled up, wanting to know what happened and whether or not she needed to take him out. (We Woolley’s are like the Mafia. You break someone’s heart and it’s possible you’ll disappear, be buried in concrete and never be found. I’m kidding. Maybe?) I cried and told her no. I reminded her that he was a good man who just needed prayer, so she hugged my neck, fed me pumpkin pie and stole all my money in poker as if nothing had ever happened.
And I meant what I said. He was a good man with a huge heart. Just a man with deep pain who desperately needed the healing of Jesus in the deepest parts of his heart.
Days later I left for a mission trip to Thailand, broken-hearted but glad to have something else to focus on. I had that peace that surpasses all understanding, despite the pain, knowing I’d made the right decision, but that doesn’t make the heart hurt less. As I sat on the plane in Chicago waiting for takeoff to Tokyo, he was on my mind. How was he doing? How was his Thanksgiving? How was his mom? I decided to look on Facebook because, you know, Facebook tells us everything. Instead, he was gone. He’d unfriended me and my entire family. Just weeks before, we were holding hands and talking about pursuing our dreams together.
I turned off my phone as the plane engines drowned out all the other noise, leaned my head back against the seat, closed my eyes and knew it was really over. He wasn’t going to fight for me. He wasn’t going to fight for our relationship. It was really over.
Grief is a process and it’s something we can’t put a timestamp on.
So I grieved that loss. I went to my counselor and processed through my emotions. I forgave him. I got angry with him. I forgave him again. And I reminded my heart that even though a man broke my heart, I didn’t have to put Fort Knox back up. Someday God will lead me to the right man. Someday.
But something else happened in my heart that I wasn’t aware of until recently. Something the sweet, merciful Lord revealed to me in His perfect timing. The thing that had been hindering my relationship with Him since the day my heart had been broken by a man I loved.
The Lord brought me back to the day things ended and showed me that I started believing the lie that I wasn’t worth fighting for. Because this man whom I loved – this man I had given my heart to – didn’t fight for me, I stopped believing that I was worth fighting for. Because he didn’t fight to save our relationship, I stopped fighting for myself and my value. For months I unknowingly believed the lie that I wasn’t worth fighting for.
But God is so good. And in the moment He showed me that lie, I asked Him to come back into that moment with me and show me the truth. And He did. And Jesus said to me, “You are worth fighting for. I am fighting for you, but I need you to fight for you, too.” And He held my hands and I wept.
Something shifted in me in that moment. I believed His truth about me. I AM WORTH FIGHTING FOR. YOU ARE WORTH FIGHTING FOR! God wants to fight our battles. He fights for us, but we have to fight for ourselves, too.
When I decided to eat through my emotions with a cream-filled long john donut because I didn’t want to think about my broken heart, I believed the lie that I wasn’t worth fighting for and that breaks God’s heart. I didn’t realize it until recently, but over the last year, I’ve had far too many long john donuts. I believed that stupid lie far too long.
When you sit on that bar stool because you can’t stand to think of the pain he’s caused you one more minute, you’re believing the lie that you’re not worth fighting for and that breaks God’s heart. YOU. ARE. WORTH. FIGHTING. FOR.
When you look at pornography because you can’t stand to live in reality for one more minute, you’re believing the lie that you’re not worth fighting for and that breaks God’s heart. YOU. ARE. WORTH. FIGHTING. FOR.
When you get high because that quick shot of “happiness” is the best thing you’ve had in weeks, you’re believing the lie that you’re not worth fighting for and that breaks God’s heart. YOU. ARE. WORTH. FIGHTING. FOR.
When you run up that credit card bill with clothes that will make you feel like you’re somebody, even if for just a moment, you’re believing the lie that you’re not worth fighting for and that breaks God’s heart. YOU. ARE. WORTH. FIGHTING. FOR.
Jesus doesn’t just gently sit beside me and remind me that I’m worth fighting for. Sometimes He boldly reminds me that I need to stand up and fight for myself because I am worth fighting for. I’m still working on it. I’m not where I need to be, but in the words of Joyce Meyer, “Thank God I’m not where I used to be.”
Ladies, don’t settle for less than God’s best for you. Don’t settle for a man simply because you’re lonely. Don’t settle for a guy who isn’t willing to love the Lord with all his heart, soul, mind, and strength. Don’t settle for a man who doesn’t make God his first priority. Don’t settle for a man who hasn’t dealt with his junk. Don’t settle for a man who isn’t willing to deal with his junk.
Why? Because you are far more valuable than settling for less than God’s best for you!
What are you doing because you’re believing the lie that you’re not worth fighting for? What area of your pain do you need to invite Jesus into to heal and show you that you’re worth fighting for?
God is waiting patiently to heal you. But I believe now is the time, my friend. Now is the time that He wants to fight for you and do a mighty work in you. Now is the time He wants to set you free so that you can live out the destiny He designed for you. Now is the time He longs to set the captives free!
Now. Is. The. Time.