Right now my heart is hurting. I’m trying to decipher what is guilt and remorse. I’m not sure at this point.
I’m convicted – I know that.

Last night I learned that an old friend of mine from high school was arrested in a drug bust. We’ll call her *Suzy*. She’s a mom. Though I’ve never seen her be a mother, something tells me she is a great one. I remember her heart – she had a big one. When I heard the news, flashbacks of our last day of “friendship” went through my mind and I could feel the stabbing pains in my heart.

I missed her. I prayed for her. I felt horrible.
Today I’m asking myself how much responsiblity I must take for Suzy’s actions. I understand she is responsible for her decisions, as we all are, but that doesn’t mean my choices didn’t affect where she is today.
You see, my selfishness led to the end of our friendship. It was nothing she did. It was all me. My desire to please others. My focus on what others thought about me. My complete stupidity.
In high school our friendship grew pretty tight. We spent a lot of time together. She came from a broken home and I had a mom who loved to be everyone’s mother. She was at my house all the time. She grew to trust me. She told me secrets she didn’t tell others. I did the same. We did good things together, and we also got ourselves into trouble together.
Then came my junior year in high school. The “best” year of my high school life. More parties. More fun. Though I had always hung out with crowds of all kinds (I was a mingler), I started to put my focus more on the “cool” kids. That was never me before. I hung out with the “stoners,” the “preps,” and the in-betweens. But this year was different.
All of a sudden Suzy wasn’t cool anymore. She was in my way. I didn’t have time to be there for her. I didn’t have time to focus on her life, I needed to focus on mine. I saw that others didn’t like her, so I assumed that I couldn’t anymore either. Appearances and popularity started to look more appealing to me for the first time in my life.
I remember the day like it was yesterday and it’s been 12 years. She hollered at me down the hallway and I didn’t even acknowledge her. Three times she said my name, and three times I brushed her off. I remember her saying, “Ok, fine.” That was it. That was the end.
I bailed. I quit. I walked away. For what? Selfishness, pride, people pleasing – the list goes on.
I began to judge her. For what reason? I have no idea. She wasn’t good enough. I judged her actions as I sat in front of my friends’ house in the mornings before school getting stoned. I refused to make eye contact with her as I snuck vodka into the locker room before practice. I didn’t bother to wonder what her struggles were as I stood around a campfire filling up on liquid courage and doing what I did best, making others laugh by being a complete idiot.
I find myself asking, What if? What if I hadn’t given up on her? What if I could have stopped thinking about myself for a minute and remembered all of those intimate moments of friendship we had together? It was all about me.
I miss her. I have missed her for 12 years. Oh how I just want to get on my knees and beg for her forgiveness. To take back the stupidity of my actions. To hug her and tell her how much Jesus loves her. To hurt with her. To laugh with her.
I don’t deserve to be where I am today. I don’t deserve the love God has poured out on me. The forgiveness he has given me. The beautiful, safe friendships he has blessed me with. The parents that love me so much. The talents he has allowed me to use. The comforts he has given me.
I deserve none of it, yet he has given it to me anyway. Today I’m asking for God’s direction. I’m praying for Suzy. I’m begging for her to know God’s love for her. I’m pleading for her to seek God’s face. I desperately want her tomorrow to be better.
Never take your friendships for granted. Stop caring about what others think. None of it matters! It’s all stupid. It breaks hearts. It ruins lives. It causes destruction that could last through generations. It makes the devil smile and that ticks me off.
Have you been there? 

Want to never miss a blog post again?
Click here and new posts will be sent directly to your email.