I don’t get God. I don’t understand despite what I do, how He can give me so much grace and mercy. Yet He does.
photo credit: matthew venn (creative commons)
A few nights ago I had myself a mini meltdown. I was tired. I wasn’t feeling well. I got triggered during a phone conversation and completely lost it after I hung up. I saw a side of me I hadn’t seen in a while. Through the snot bubbles and not so Christian words, I realized I probably looked like a complete moron. Turns out I’ve got some heart issues to work on I didn’t know were still there.
Does that ever happen to you? All of a sudden something creeps up inside of you that has you asking, “Where did that come from?”
God and I tend to have some good conversations in the shower, so that’s where I headed. Sure enough, He showed me why I had been triggered. I apologized, asked for forgiveness, apologized again, and kept the circle going. I felt horrible for my behavior. I failed miserably at representing Christ and allowed my raging hormones to dominate my actions.
But there He was – full of grace and mercy, waiting for me. Again.
A friend rubbed my feet as I propped my pillows up in the bed and rested. Then I got a text from the sweetest 11-year old boy I know that read, “I love you and good night :].” I didn’t deserve either one of those gifts, yet I got them anyway.
I closed my eyes to go to sleep that night still plagued by the guilt of my actions the hours before. I once again asked forgiveness. Then God reminded me, not only had He already done so, but He showered me with grace. I was the one holding onto my actions, not Him. Just when I think I start to understand Him, He continues to amaze me.
I wonder how often we hold out on the grace of God or don’t even realize He’s trying to give it to us because we’re too focused on ourselves and the guilt that we’re holding onto. We seek forgiveness then don’t accept it.
He couldn’t really forgive me already right? Don’t I have to sit and feel guilty for at least a week? Isn’t there a rule book somewhere that says our actions have to replay in our mind at least a thousand times before we can accept forgiveness?
Nope. Nope. Nope.
as far as the east is from the west,so far has he removed our transgressions from us. – Psalm 103:12
I’m not closer to understanding God today than I was yesterday. I think He prefers it that way really.
What’s keeping you from accepting God’s grace today?
sometimes old patterns from past keep me from recieving his grace although thankfully I have great friends like you who continually speak truth into my life thankyou Sundi!