As I began to make this list I thought to myself, “I can think of five or six people that really love me.” When my pen began to touch the paper however, God kept showing me more. I didn’t just see people in my memories saying those three words; I saw their actions that showed true love.
I’ve carried this fear around for the last 21 years that no one could possible love me. I’ve believed the lies that I didn’t deserve to be loved; I wasn’t worthy to be loved by anyone. If only I could be perfect my dad wouldn’t have drunk. If only I wouldn’t have needed so much my mom wouldn’t have worked so much. I have walked around in this life believing I was completely unlovable. I have a strong, well-thought out, theological statement to describe those feelings. What a bunch of crap!
As I thought about making a list of those who don’t love me, I struggled. I thought for sure I wouldn’t have any problems listing those names. I reached into the deepest part of my heart and a few names popped up. Two significant people came to mind, one being my third grade teacher. The more names came to mind.
I wanted to make the list. Those who hurt me in my life, they didn’t love me. My sexual abusers, they didn’t love me. Then God tugged on my heart asking, “What if they don’t know how to love?” Hmm. Good question. That’s why He is God and I’m not. I couldn’t make the list. Maybe they really didn’t know how to love.
So what do I do with that? I’ve already taken the first step, forgiveness. Now I get on my knees and pray for them. Yes, I may have born the pain of their sufferings because of their lack of love, but instead of anger I feel sorrow for their breaking hearts. If only they could see what Jesus could change in them. Maybe someday they will. I’m reminded in Matthew 5:44 that I am to pray for those who persecute me. If I love those who love me what reward do I get? Wow! I’ve read that verse many times, but now I get it. I seek to love each person that has never loved me. I choose to pray blessings over each of them.
So what about my fear of not being loved? I’m 26 years old and my reality is finally setting in. For the first time in my life I’m truly letting Jesus love me. I’m allowing myself to enjoy the beauty he gave me; the way he made me. I feel His love like I’ve never felt it before.
I know his love when he wakes me in the morning with a spectacular sunrise. I know his love when a stranger walks up to me and says, “You have the most beautiful eyes I’ve ever seen.” I know his love when a friend tells me they can truly see me walking in Christ. I know his love when a sister comes up to me and says, “I want what you have. Will you pray with me?”
This is the real deal folks! Jesus works miracles everyday. He is working one in me. I am loved and I’m finally allowing myself to feel it. It just tickles my Jesus pink!
