Sometimes we don’t realize how far we’ve come in our faith journeys until we remember some of the really stupid things we’ve done. I was driving the other day when I had a memory of the time I smoked pot on Easter Sunday. My heart still hurts thinking about it; thinking about the heartbreak I caused my Heavenly Father.
Have you ever heard the quote from Joyce Meyer:
I’m not where I need to be but thank God I’m not where I used to be?
That statement couldn’t be more true in my life as I think back on that day. I wasn’t a believer then, but I thought I was. I prayed every night before I went to bed and sometimes I would even wear a cross necklace around my neck. I thought that’s what Christians did. Beyond that, I knew nothing about what it was like to have a personal relationship with Jesus.
I was stuck in addictions to food and pornography. I was in a homosexual relationship. I was a miserable mess on this particular Sunday, just as I was every Easter Sunday prior to that. I was a miserable mess because I was stuck in a life contrary to what God had planned for me. I just didn’t know it then.
But Jesus.
There are a lot of things I struggle to remember, but as this memory came back to the forefront of my mind, I remembered it like it was yesterday. Where I was sitting. The vehicle we where in. The person I smoked it with. The location. The smell. (Dude, the smell.)
What I remember most about that day is the feeling I had afterwards. I’d smoked pot a bajillion times before that and it never bothered me. I just went on about my day. But this time was different. This time I had this horrible feeling in the pit of my stomach that I couldn’t shake.
I remember wanting to cry, but people were around and I didn’t want to look foolish. I remember thinking I’d done something so horribly wrong. I wanted to take back my decision almost immediately. I knew in the depths of my soul that I had done something to dishonor God and it hurt my heart. This was the day people celebrated the resurrection of Jesus. Though I didn’t know much about Jesus, I knew people celebrated Him on this day, and I never doubted their reason to celebrate.
We gathered for Easter dinner that day because it was the thing to do. We didn’t gather to celebrate the resurrection of Jesus. We gathered because Americans are supposed to get together on Easter Sunday and eat potato salad and hunt eggs with chocolate in them. I didn’t enjoy my potato salad so much that day. I couldn’t shake the thought that I had done something horribly wrong.
But Jesus.
Isn’t it amazing how we can look back on our lives and see where God was pursuing us in our darkness? I believe God was trying to draw me near that day with the knowledge of what conviction looks like for believers who have the Holy Spirit. But my mind was torn between that and the enemy trying to convince me everything was just fine. I wasn’t doing anything wrong. I didn’t know then that was the enemy. I thought it was just my own thoughts.
[ctt template=”3″ link=”c_0c7″ via=”yes” ]You have to choose to walk away from the old so you can walk in the new. You have to choose life in Christ, not death in the world. [/ctt]
God never stops pursuing us. He never stops providing opportunities for us to choose life, even if we don’t know yet that that life is Jesus.
I don’t remember what year that was. But I do remember this. I don’t think I ever smoked pot again after that. It scared me too much to think I would hurt God.
I sit here today sharing this memory with you, not condemned, but so aware at the grace and mercy of God. He should’ve destroyed me a million times over for the choices I’ve made in life, but He didn’t. He hasn’t. Because His mercies are new every morning. Because He loves me with an everlasting love. Because He calls me daughter. Because He calls me friend. Because He has washed me white snow. Because He has removed my sins as far as the east is from the west. Shall I keep going?
He wants to do those same things for you, my friend, but you have to choose to accept His grace and mercy. You have to choose to walk away from the old so you can walk in the new. You have to choose life in Christ, not death in the world.
I don’t know where you are in this moment regarding your relationship with Jesus, but I know He longs for you to shout from the rooftops one day…
“I’m not where I need to be, but THANK GOD I’m not where I used to be!” But you can’t get to the rooftop until you let go of the world and all the false hope it offers.
This Easter Sunday I plan to eat some potato salad. I may even hunt for an Easter egg with chocolate tucked inside. But I know the one thing I’ll be reminded of. Jesus died for me, then was raised from the dead so that I could have life and have it more abundantly.