When I finish writing this I’ll probably be asking why I allowed myself to be so vulnerable, but I’m writing it anyway. Over the past seven months I have been breaking free from many strongholds in my life.
Thanks to God, Beth Moore, friends, and family, I have begun to transform myself. It’s been an amazing, yet extremely tough process. Yesterday I realized just how far I still had to go, but was thankful for how far I have already come.
Since I have started the process of getting my health back and losing weight, I have been very excited, yet scared to death. My weight loss has showed me just how insecure I’ve allowed myself to become.
Yesterday a friend called and asked me to meet her at the coffee shop. As much as I wanted to spend quality time with her, I was scared to death. I smiled and nodded on the phone, trying to think of an excuse not to go, as I kindly agreed I would meet her there.
What’s so scary about that? Well, I knew she was going to compliment me. You’re probably thinking by now that I’m nuts. Everyone wants to be complimented!
For those of you that know me, I’ve always been a t-shirt and jeans type of girl. I love my ball cap and flip flops. I’ve been learning that those things aren’t really who I am; they’re just what I’ve allowed myself to become. Covering my head with a hat and throwing on a pair of jeans became a shield for me. I knew people wouldn’t compliment me on my hair, or tell me how nice I looked. It was a way to keep people away from me, for fear of being hurt by someone.
I walked into the coffee shop yesterday without a ball cap, without my flip flops, refusing to allow myself to make eye contact with her. I crossed my arms and sat back in the chair, hoping she wouldn’t even notice I was there. She noticed. She smiled and started to say something, and I blurted out as fast as I could “shut-up!” My insecurities were on overload and my defenses were locked, loaded and ready to fire.
Last night I realized what a goof I must have looked like. I apologized to her for my rudeness. She then challenged me to close my eyes and allow God to compliment me. I cried and allowed myself to blink. That’s closing my eyes right? Surely He can compliment me that fast. Then I took a deep breath and closed them. He complimented me indeed. This time I wasn’t afraid of being hurt. I smiled in knowing that God is enthralled by my beauty.
I’ve never had to worry about receiving compliments, because I’ve never allowed myself to break barriers. Now that I am succeeding in my weight loss, and breaking more barriers in my life, I realize that my walls are being broken down and I don’t have the control I once had. That’s scary. I tend to like control.
Now how do I allow myself to take compliments from people? One thank you at a time I suppose. How do I allow myself to believe that I am a beautiful creation in Christ? By reading His word and believing.
Here we go.