Depression sucks. Suicide, even worse. Just typing the words stirs a sadness in my heart that makes me want to write about anything but this.
Throughout the last week, I’ve listened to many discussions and read several social media posts and blogs about the tragedy of Robin Williams’ death. But I haven’t said much. I simply haven’t had much to say.
The news took me back to the day the world lost another comedic genius, Chris Farley. I sat in my high school art class and grieved his loss with my classmate, Robbie.
Today, I mourn again. I don’t know why a man who could bring tears of laughter to your eyes in seconds, decided to take his life. What I do know, however, is I can relate to the desire to want to do the same. Five years ago this month, thoughts of suicide filled my mind. I wasn’t sure my heart could stand another break, and letting it all go seemed like I would finally be able to pull some imaginary lever, allowing me to breath without this intense pressure weighing over me. Ahh.. but in the midst of those moments, I could still make people laugh.
Sometimes we use humor to shield something deeper.
Making people laugh comes natural to me. I don’t say that to brag. The ability to cheer others up with a corny joke or antic is a gift God has blessed me with. Though I’m much better than I used to be, using humor as a way to mask my pain is still a bad habit. Williams did the same. As I’ve watched a few past interviews discussing his stints in rehab, he would almost immediately follow up the answer to a serious question with some kind of joke. It seems it was his defense mechanism. It’s one of mine, too. [Tweet “When we don’t truly face the issues before us, humor can only suffice for so long. “]
Sometimes we struggle to find purpose.
I’m not a stand-up comedian. I haven’t been in hit movies. I don’t know Robin, nor have I ever met him. But I would bet many times at the end of the day, he would come home and wonder if he truly had a purpose. I’ve seen it time and time again with comedians. I can relate. I would often wonder why I even existed. I could come home from an amazing day with friends full of laughter, and moments later sit on the couch full of despair, wondering if I had any purpose at all for this life. It still happens, though not as often. Out of nowhere, this cloud of despair hangs over me and I sense I’m just existing for no other reason than to exist. Life is great. I’m pursuing my goals. I’m fulfilling God’s mission for me. I’m in the best place of my life I’ve ever been. Then the cloud shows up and I forget how to smile, until it’s time to make you laugh, because I want to make you feel better.
We have to choose truth over our feelings.
Five months ago, that cloud was hanging over me again. I didn’t want to get out of bed. I didn’t understand my purpose. I felt hopeless in a world full of support. I felt completely alone. Washing my hair seemed pointless some days. But in the midst of that sadness, I had a choice to make: believe my feelings or believe the truth about my situation. No, life wasn’t making sense at that moment, but God still had a plan. Even though I didn’t always believe the right truth, here’s what those around me reminded me of:
- God created me for a purpose. (Ephesians 2:10)
- He promises to never leave me. (Deuteronomy 31:6)
- He holds me with His right hand. (Isaiah 41:13)
- He loves me with an everlasting love. (Jeremiah 31:3)
- He has plans for me. (Jeremiah 29:11)
God gently reminded me I need only to focus on the next right step. Daily, I’m trying simply to do just that. Your feelings will lie to you, just as they did to one of the funniest, kind-hearted men of all time. I don’t know what Robin Williams believed as he chose to end his life. But I do know in the end, he chose to believe the wrong truth, and the world mourns because of it. Last year, my friend Chanel jumped off a bridge and took her own life. Addiction and depression were too much of a battle for her, so she believed. Again, she chose the wrong truth. [Tweet “We have to believe the truth about what God says about us, despite the despair. “] We have to. The world lost a man who ended God’s plan for him before it was time. But if you’re still reading this, your plan is still before you. Don’t allow your feelings to thwart those plans. Don’t allow the devil to convince you that life isn’t worth living. God designed you for a purpose. Don’t end your unfilled purpose on your time – God’s not done with you, my friend. I promise. [reminder]What is one purpose you believe God is calling you to fulfill? [/reminder]
Wow, hard to answer. I’ve been in minstiry for so many years, but it doesn’t mean that I necessarily have been fulfilling my calling. I often help others to fulfill theirs. Which isn’t all bad!! Right now God has put on my heart Judges 2:10. Has to do with kids, more specifically tweens. I really, REALLY want them to have the opportunity to know the true God regardless if their parents pass it on to them or they get it from friends. It involves prayer. It involves writing. And, gulp! I am pretty sure it involves platform. Thanks for your words, Sundi Jo.
Colleen, that’s a great purpose! Teenagers are the future of our nation. Why wouldn’t you want to pour the love of Jesus into their lives. Good luck!
What a tender message Sundi Jo! I battle depression off and on as well. My fibromyalgia and chronic fatigue can give me days where I feel like no matter how hard I try I’m just not going to be able to accomplish what I want. And it’s true – I won’t. But I’m trying to focus on accomplishing what God wants me to do and leave the rest to Him. Thank you for your words today!
Kim, thanks for reading. May I share some encouragement? I too struggle with Fibromyalgia and Fatigue, but I don’t claim them as mine. I encourage you to stop claiming them as yours as well. There is power in our words. Allow God to come into those places of physical and emotional pain, claim His Word over you, and though there may still be hard days, He will be in the midst of it all.
That is an encouragement! I didn’t know you had fm/cfs as well. Most days I claim that I may have it but it doesn’t have me! Thank you once again!
Hi Sundi Jo, you have hit the nail on the head. Our feelings can be as fickle as the wind, but re-reading God’s truth will always assure us to believe God instead of our feelings! Thank you for what you do! Love ya and miss seeing you! Joyce Langston
Joyce, thanks so much! I hope you’re doing well.
Sundi Jo, thanks for being real and vulnerable. I’m sure your authenticity will spark some conversations for people that maybe they are afraid to have because they think they are alone. You are showing them others struggle just as they do and that God loves them and will walk alongside them in their pain. You are a blessing to many more than you imagine!
Thanks, Dave. Appreciate the encouragement.
Wow! I am not even sure where to start. Words can be so healing and powerful and your words have articulated very well how I have felt for years (on and off)! I would go to work and enjoy my day, making my co-workers laugh and then sit on my bed and cry for seemingly no reason! Today, I am currently battling clinical depression and trying to define my purpose. With the help of family and friends, I am taking baby steps in achieving the goal of defining my purpose and living my BEST life in the two important roles of wife and mother.
Keisha, I’m glad you realize you’re not alone in your feelings. Praying for you as you fight through this depression. Remind yourself who you are in Christ and fight back with God’s Word. There’s nothing more powerful. Depression doesn’t define you – Christ does.