Six years ago I sat in my tiny apartment, sleep deprived and broken-hearted, trying to figure out what next step to take in my life. Suicide was looking more and more convenient.

I hadn’t look at pornography in a couple of years. I’d vowed to quit after giving my life to Christ and was determined to make it happen. Until it happened again. 

August 24, 2009, I sat with the laptop in hand, borrowed from the church to design the worship slides for the following Sunday. Shame. Disgust. Rage. A deep sadness I couldn’t avoid anymore. It all welled up in me like a volcano ready to erupt. And just like that – the promise I’d made to God to never look at pornography again was broken. 

My eyes were swept away by the millions of images floating through cyberspace. This. This is what would set me free from my sadness. This. The deep, dark secret that had controlled my life since I was 5 years old.

God is in the darkness.

But God, despite my darkness. Despite my rebellion. Despite my hateful words lashing out at Him for not comforting my broken heart. He found a way into the tiny crack of my heart I’d left open for conviction. I snapped as I looked at pictures of naked people who were at one time just young innocent kids, dreaming of being veterinarians and presidents and wives and husbands and mothers and fathers.

I picked up the laptop and threw it across the room as I screamed obscenities at whoever would listen. I was certain God wasn’t listening. I had failed. Again. 

Then He scooped me up from the puddle of self-loathing and shame, and carried me away to safety, though I went kicking and screaming. Because that’s who God is, a father who will pick His children up in the middle of a temper tantrum and put them in time out while they get a grip on reality. (You can read more about that journey in my book, Dear Dad. I’ve shared my journal entries during one of the hardest, most healing journeys of my life.)

[ctt template=”3″ link=”reXfV” via=”yes” ]Sometimes God has to pick us up in the middle of our temper tantrum and put us in time out. [/ctt]

Living in the midst of the struggle.

I haven’t looked at pornography since that day, but I can’t say I haven’t thought about it. Because I still do. Because Satan knows it’s a weakness and he throws temptation my way every chance he gets.

I’ll be watching tv and a scene will come on that triggers me. Immediately my mind tries to go to places it shouldn’t. Sometimes I’m victorious in quickly turning the channel and reminding myself who I am in Christ and that I hold the thoughts, feelings, and purposes of His heart. Other times, I realize I’ve let far too much time pass in my thoughts and where I allowed them to go.

There are moments in a random conversation with friends when a simple word sends me back in time and images flash through my mind. Jesus helps me recompose my thoughts and I am reminded once again I am free; free from who my past tries to tell me I am. 

Last week while working on a blog post, I googled a simple phrase and there in the midst of all the images was a naked woman. But.. there was victory. I didn’t even have to think about whether I wanted to look or not. I immediately closed the screen and moved on to the next task.

Recently I texted a friend and said, “Today it would be easy for me to look at pornography.” I voiced it. She didn’t judge me. Instead, she said, “I’m glad you told me. I’m praying for you. You are free.” She was right. I am free. There was power in that simple sentence of vulnerability, making my struggle real, owning it, but not allowing it overcome me.

God is bigger than our struggles.

Maybe it will always be a struggle. Maybe it won’t. I don’t know. I struggle with wondering if I’ll ever have a healthy, sexual marriage, for fear there’s been too much damage done to my mind and heart by the perverse world I have known since I was a young girl. Then I remind myself God is bigger and He promises to redeem the time. 

I see sexual sin all around me. Everyday. I see other women who sleep with multiple men because they’re trying to fill a void. Married men subscribe to a website with the intended purpose of cheating on their wives. Soft core porn floods through the cable channels, changing the standard of what is now acceptable in our culture. What was taboo 10 years ago is now acceptable. And this isn’t just happening in the secular world. Christians are in the midst of this battle, too. And that’s just what it is, a battle.

And me, a woman who loves Jesus with all of her heart and longs to serve Him in everything she does, is right in the middle of the battle. But I will fight because I am reminded we do not wrestle against flesh and blood. And I am reminded God is bigger than my struggles.

He is bigger than your struggles.