She lie next to me in bed, speaking these words to me as she rubbed her fingers through my hair: “I wish I could tell you that you’ll wake up tomorrow and everything will be fixed, but I’d be lying. This is something you have to go through and I don’t know how long it’s going to take.”

I silently cried myself to sleep, 32 years old, with my mom sleeping by my side, wishing her words weren’t true. Wishing I could wake up and everything be fine. But I knew she was right. Sometimes I hate when my mother is right.

But I held onto her words, “This is something you have to go through.” I’m still holding onto them.

Why I Can’t Fix This

I’m a fixer. When I see a problem, I don’t like to waste time. Let’s figure out what the problem is, fix it, and move on. Especially when it comes to myself. I can offer grace to those around me all day long, but when it comes to myself, Ain’t nobody got time for this.. 
I’m in a season of my life right now I can’t just fix. Oh I want to, but I can’t. And I hate it. 

I desperately want to wake up and have the problem fixed. This sadness. The goodbyes. This loneliness. The deaths. This pain for others. This “whatever this is” I’m still trying to figure out. And again I hear the words, “This is something you have to go through.”
And I ask myself over and over again, Shouldn’t you have it more together than this? Why are you acting so weak? Aren’t yo

u a hypocrite? How can you counsel others and not have your own crap together? How can you counsel others and go to counseling yourself? How do you think you could ever lead a ministry? 

As I think about those questions while I write, I get so angry. Angry I let the enemy slip into my thoughts long enough to allow me to ask myself those stupid questions. But I take another breath and put him back in his place. I remember the truth about who I am.

I don’t have to have it all together. I’m a work in progress. There are still broken parts of me God longs to heal, yet He chooses to use me in the midst of healing. His power is made perfect in my weakness. The Lord puts wise counsel in my life to show me what I cannot always see myself. He’s called me to lead Esther’s House and will use the good, bad, and the ugly to bring about His glory in the lives of other hurting women. 

Yes… that’s the truth I must hold onto. 

Walking Through a Season

I’m in a season and I don’t know how long it will last. A season I can’t fully describe to you yet – full of up and down emotions. Crocodile tears. Anger. Sadness. Joy. More crocodile tears. A heaviness for others who hurt. Days of quiet solitude. Days wishing for more laughter, more hugs. Moments of despair followed by moments of celebration. Days I just need someone to tell me what to do – to literally tell me what the next step is.

But.. “This is something I have to go through.” It’s not something I can bypass. Not something I can pretend isn’t happening. Not a time I can hide my emotions, cover it up with food or relationships or whatever addiction the enemy wants to wave in front of my face. God is calling me to “go through it.”

So I will. I am. I want to. I’m trying. I am. One. Step. At. A. Time.

How? By first admitting I can’t do this on my own. In the last three weeks I’ve reached out for prayer more than I ever have. I’ve cried on the phone with people I barely know. I’ve sat on the couch across  from my counselor with a box of tissues in hand, soaking up her wisdom and holding onto every word she says, and hand her the box of tissues back when she cries with me.

I’ve been real and raw and honest about my struggles through this season. I haven’t pretended “I’m fine” or that “Everything in life is great.” When others have asked me how I am I’ve simply said, “I’m okay and I’m doing one day at a time.” I wait for them to look at me like I’m crazy, but instead I’ve been embraced my empathy and prayers, reminding me that I don’t have to have it all together.

I’ve been on my knees crying out to the Lord, with my face buried in His word. I’ve interceded fervently for others who are hurting. I’ve carried Scripture around in my pocket, taking it out and reading it in front of the bathroom mirror multiple times a day. I’ve slept with my Bible.

[ctt template=”5″ link=”qXp06″ via=”yes” ]Sometimes one day at a time is all we can do.[/ctt]

And the amazing thing through all of this is I think I’ve heard Him more clearly in this time than I have in months. And He reminds me again that I’m right where He wants me. Completely dependent upon Him. Crying out to Him. Holding onto every Word He says. Embracing every moment with Him – both the good and the desperate times.

Doing Life One Day at a Time

I’d be lying if I said I can’t wait for this season to be over. But while I wait – while I let Him peel back more layers only He can heal – I am “going through it” one day at a time.

Because sometimes one day at a time is all we can do. 

Today, you only have to do today, my friend. I’m doing it with you. Your heartbreak – it’s for a season. Your anger – it’s for a season. Your sadness – it’s for a season. That heaviness – it’s for a season. You will be okay again. You are okay right now, even if it doesn’t feel like it.
Just remember this. “I wish I could tell you that you’ll wake up tomorrow and everything will be fixed, but I’d be lying. This is something you have to go through and I don’t know how long it’s going to take.”

But God does and He will walk through every single step with you. Every. Single. Step.

[reminder]What is God walking you through right now? I’d love to pray for you.[/reminder]