I’m scared. Out. Of. My. Wits.
My phone rings and someone wants to know how they can make a donation to Esther’s House. It rings again and she asks me how she can volunteer. I answer it again and tell a woman struggling with the shame of her sexual abuse we’re not open yet. I spend a couple hours on the phone interviewing potential team members. I pray with a woman over the phone, inviting Jesus to set her free. Then a news reporter calls and wants to do a feature on the ministry.
Then I freak out and ask myself, What is happening? Why do these people want answers from me? What if I don’t know how to answer their questions. What if I totally fail at this leadership thing? What if God is making a huge mistake?
On a Friday morning at the crack of dawn, I stand around a group of strangers holding a cup of coffee, pretending I’m the greatest mingler in the world, wearing my “official” Esther’s House shirt, because it makes me look important and networking is key to building relationships. I reach my hand out. “Hi, I’m Sundi Jo. Have you heard about our upcoming 5k race? I’d love to share with you more about our mission.” I stand there, sweaty palms, trying not to pee my pants from the nerves and fear coursing through my veins.
I am not equipped, but I am called.
“God doesn’t call the equipped. He equips the called.” I know. It’s cliche – until you’re actually watching it play out before your very eyes.
Did I mention this leadership thing scares me?
[Tweet “God doesn’t call the equipped. He equips the called. Cliche, but true. “]
For the last five years I’ve listen to podcasts, read books, bought courses, and watched webinars on leadership. I don’t miss a Michael Hyatt blog post. The EntreLeadership podcast is always cued up. I’ve read Start and Do Over and The Art of Work. I’m totally prepared for this leadership thing.
Then my phone rings again and her voice crackles through the shame – a woman struggling with a pornography addiction who hasn’t left the house in years because she’s afraid of other humans. “Will you help me?”
Who? Me? This redneck girl from Belle, Mo., who only owns two pairs of blue jeans, drives a Nissan Centra with over 200,000 miles, wears a mouth guard at night, forgets to put deodarant on at least once a week, and often chews with her mouth open? You want me to help you?
I. Am. Not. Equipped.
But God… He’s bigger. And He tells me to get out the way and let Him use me. “Be still. Trust me. I have created you for such a time as this.”
Oh, ye of little faith I am.
I’m writing this blog post at midnight because the moment my tired body hit the pillow, my mind decided to host the Indy 500 and drive around in circles.
Tomorrow I need to call about sponsorships. I have an interview with the reporter. I have a phone meeting with a potential volunteer. I need to find a house. I need to answer those emails. I need to submit the information for this grant. I need…..
I. Me. Myself. Ridiculous.
I hear it again, the gentle whisper of a Savior who has way too much grace and mercy for my lack of patience, selfishness, pride, and unbelief. “Be still. Trust me. I have created you for such a time as this.”
My heart. It rests. For another moment.
I am not equipped, but I am called. Be still. Trust Him. He has created me for such a time as this.
[reminder]What area do you struggle with in leading others? [/reminder]