Tonight my heart feels heavy and I can’t really describe why. I have sadness I guess. Getting in touch with my emotions isn’t necessarily my strongpoint, so bare with me here.
I took a friend out for dinner tonight for her birthday. We had a great time. It was just the two of us in the middle of the restaurant. At that moment I didn’t care if the rest of the world existed. Before I had to go back to Table Rock Freedom Center I wanted to stop by my apartment and get some things.
As I walked in everything looked strange, yet familiar. I opened cabinets and looked in drawers. I walked from room to room exploring. Then I sat on the couch and cried a river. A few days ago I began to wonder exactly how I had gotten myself to where I was. How did all of this happen? Really. How did it happen?
I will never live there again. I won’t ever sit on that deck and make up stories about my neighbors. I won’t ever cook in that kitchen. I won’t listen to Joyce Meyer in the bathroom every morning, as I get ready. I won’t drift off to sleep in that bedroom anymore. But I was reminded that God has another plan, and that I will get the chance to do those things again.
I started to go through my closet and I came across a t-shirt. I didn’t even know I had it. It was my “pop’s” shirt. He used to sleep in it. I thought the only thing I had left of him were some pictures and his ashes. I held it in my hands and cried. If only I could talk to him one more time. If only.
An hour later I told Jammie goodbye and decided that I probably shouldn’t watch her drive away. Instead I went to my favorite place in the house, the bathroom, and prayed. I needed His strength; I certainly couldn’t rely on my own.
I have since dried my tears and found my smile, as I sat in the kitchen and heard laughter from all of my sisters. I am home. It’s not the home I could have ever imagined in my lifetime, but it’s home.
This is the hardest thing I have ever done! There are moments I want to give up. I want to raise the white flag and tell God I cannot handle the tasks He has set before me. Is that selfish? Absolutely, but it’s honest. I realize more and more each day that I am absolutely nothing without Him. Nothing!
I am a mere human being on a tiny peanut of a planet who cannot, nor do I want to exist without my Savior. I know that tonight will be a distant memory to come. I know that happier days are coming. I know that God is planning another revival in my heart. So what do I do in the meantime? Wait.
As I write this I’m staring at a picture on the wall. It says:
When everything seems to go wrong – just PUSH
When the job gets you down – just PUSH
When people don’t react the way you think they should – just PUSH
When your money looks “gone” and the bills are due – just PUSH
When people just don’t understand you – just PUSH
PUSH – PRAY UNTIL SOMETHING HAPPENS!
I am off to bed. As I lie down tonight I will sleep with my daddy’s t-shirt on. But whose arms will be around me? My Jesus. They always are. Always!
