It was about this time last year I fell off the cliff. I burned out, but I couldn’t see it. I couldn’t wrap my mind around what was happening.
Have you ever left for work early in the morning only to find you couldn’t even go the speed limit because the fog was so heavy? So you just turn your headlights on and trek your way through as much as you can, barely able to see in front of you.
That’s what it felt like for me.
I couldn’t see anymore. I couldn’t think past the fog. I felt like I had failed at everything, and failed everyone. I had no hope left. But I couldn’t figure out why. I couldn’t understand.
That’s spiritual warfare. Someday I’ll be able to put the words together to describe what happened to me. To share with you the destruction the enemy set out to do against my soul. Someday. But not now. I’m not ready.
When I sat down to read Carey Nieuwhof’s new book, Didn’t See it Coming, I didn’t know until then that someone else could feel the same way I had felt a year ago. I’m sorry he had to experience his own trouble, but man am I grateful to know I wasn’t alone in this crazy thing.
That’s the thing about burnout. Once you fall off the cliff, there’s nothing to grab on to anymore. You’re in free fall, and all the grasping and clamoring you do doesn’t help a bit. For the first time in my life, I was hurtling headlong into abyss.
Yes! This! I found myself unable to hold on any longer and there I was, in free fall, heading back towards the abyss. My soul was too weary to keep going. My mind to tired to think clearly anymore. My emotions zapped of hope. My will too tired to follow truth. And I fell off the cliff.
[ctt template=”5″ link=”fTvHo” via=”yes” ]Hope cannot die if an empty tomb empowers it. – Carey Nieuwhof[/ctt]
As I’ve spent this last year recovering from heartbreak, the detriimental words and actions of others, and my own stupid choices, I’ve learned so much. It’s almost as though I’ve taken a step back and watched the last year play-by-play in a movie. Oh, this is why that happened. That’s where that went wrong. This is what I would’ve done differently.
Most importantly, though, I find myself looking back on that burnout journey and thanking God for not letting go of me. For protecting me through the accusations. For guiding me back to the light when I chose the darkness. For breathing new life into me when I felt unable to breathe on my own. His grace. His grace is beautiful.
Hope cannot die if an empty tomb empowers it.
Yes, the tomb. The death and ressurection of Jesus Christ. Hope only dies when we put the rock back over the tomb and tell ourselves we are finished. Jesus said, “It is finished.” Yes, death. Death for life. Death for hope.
Don’t fall off the cliff, my friend. Reach out through the fog, despite the confusion and fear. Cling to the freedom of your soul as though your life depends on it. Because your life depends on it.