Jammie Fielder and I have been friends for about 14 years. She currently serves as the Administrator at Table Rock Freedom Center, a non-denominational, faith-based recovery residential program for women. Here is an incredible, vulnerable guest post from one of my best friends.
Psalm 37:4 says to Delight in Him & He will give you the desires of your heart.
Wasn’t I doing that? I thought I was delighting in the things He had given me. He brought me a loving Godly husband that I had desired most of my life. He brought me the career I had been dreaming of since I was a teenager and practically dropped it in my lap. He was faithful in fulfilling these desires.
Shouldn’t all of this be enough? It’s more than most people have right? So why do I find myself wanting more? Why is there a part of me that seems empty? My heart desires a child of my own. Motherhood has been my hearts desire since I was old enough to talk. You know the question you get asked when you’re a child – what do you want to be when you grow up? “Mommy” was always my answer. I’ve had the names of my children picked out since I was a little girl.
He has allowed me to practice my motherly skills with a very special little boy & I feel I did a good job. Was it not enough? Should I have done more? He has brought me a stepson. Shouldn’t that be sufficient? Why do I long for more? I know God has something great planned for us in the area of children. I just need to be patient. I need to delight in Him and all that He has done thus far.
There are days I am lacking in the delight area. Is this why I’m still longing for the desire in my heart?
I used to delight in serving in the nursery at church each Sunday. I couldn’t get enough of it. I would go home with a smile on my face. I got my baby fix each week and it was all good! In recent months, however, I find it hard to look in the nursery. It can be painful and some days I walk away with tears in my eyes.
Then I began to realize that I have let Satan steal my desires. Today I am here to say I CHOOSE to delight in God. I know He will be faithful in His time, not mine.
After hearing an amazing sermon at church recently, my pastor reminded me of something amazing. For those of us who have lost children, whether through miscarriage or abortion, we will have the opportunity to see those little ones in Heaven. I had never thought about that. Several years ago I had a miscarriage, and of course I asked the why questions.
I walked out of church that day shedding happy tears. I imagined the reunion with my little child. I look so forward to that day. Is it a boy? A girl? It’s so exciting to think about!
Today God brought me 2 Corinthians 12:9-10: I realize He is growing me through my weaknesses, through my hardships, through my difficulties. He is making me strong!