I was so excited to take myself on a date. I’d had an incredibly full week full of training. My brain was full and my mind was ready to focus on absolutely nothing. I was reminded in my training how important self-care is, especially in my line of work. I pour into others constantly, which means my cup can quickly become empty if I’m not careful. So, I’m working hard to remind myself that self-care is not a suggestion, but a requirement.
I did a little Saturday house cleaning, washed the car, payed some bills, then got dressed for my big date. I was going to take myself out to dinner and some shopping, followed by a comedy I’d been looking forward to seeing. I was ready for a laugh.
I settled into the theater seat with my pretzel and cheese and Pepsi and mentally noted I needed to watch a couple of the movies they’d shown in the previews. Side note: I should never mentally note anything. I have no idea what the movies were, but man they looked good.
Show time.
Why do I do the things I do?
The prior week was rough. It started out well. I was making wise eating choices and taking care of myself. But by the end of the week I was eating like the old 330 lb. version of me. Sugar, sugar, sugar, and more sugar. It was like I was in this spiritual coma that I couldn’t get out of and though I knew I was walking in gluttony, I just kept going. I’d get home and walk in the shame cycle. Then I’d ask forgiveness. Then I’d wake up determined it was a new day for new chances. By the afternoon I was back at it again.
What do we call that? Addiction for $500, please, Alec.
Also known as insanity.
Also known as sin.
I felt like Paul when he said, “I do not understand what I do. For what I want to do I do not do, but what I hate I do. And if I do what I do not want to do, I agree that the law is good. As it is, it is no longer I myself who do it, but it is sin living in me. For I know that good itself does not dwell in me, that is, in my sinful nature. For I have the desire to do what is good, but I cannot carry it out. For I do not do the good I want to do, but the evil I do not want to do—this I keep on doing. Now if I do what I do not want to do, it is no longer I who do it, but it is sin living in me that does it.
To Conform or Not to Conform.
I spent 10 minutes arguing with myself as to whether or not I should get a pretzel and Pepsi for the movie. I knew I wasn’t treating my body well. I knew I would regret it. But I convinced myself I needed it. After all, I was taking myself on a date. I would just enjoy this one time, then get back on track. Addiction. Insanity. Sin. But I didn’t have time to focus on that, I was preparing to laugh at the sarcasm of Madea.
Until I realized I couldn’t laugh. It wasn’t funny. The first few minutes of the movie included raunchy sexual discussions that made me wonder if I had stepped into a different movie. Except I hadn’t. It was the same characters I’d watched in almost every other Madea movie. Except something had changed. Tyler Perry had taken them from funny to over-the-top.
I can’t stay for this, I thought to myself. I don’t want to hear this. But I convinced myself perhaps if I could just get through the next few minutes of the movie it would get better. As I continued to watch, I heard the Lord say, “Don’t conform to the patterns of this world.” He was right. I was conforming. I had conformed. I’d spent all week conforming to the patterns of gluttony. I’d spent all week refusing to treat my body like the temple He designed it to be. I didn’t want to conform anymore.
$7.50 for a movie ticket. $9.75 for an inflammation-causing pretzel and sugary soda that would tell my body how much it hated me in the hours to come. This date was not going well. Could I really just waste what I’d spent on a movie ticket? Surely it would get better. Isn’t that how sin works? We find excuses to entertain ourselves, knowing we’ll regret our decision later. We entertain the ideas in our head until we put the ideas into action. We use our resources to walk in addiction knowing there will be consequences later. We choose to conform knowing it will hurt us and our Heavenly Father.
Man… that sucks, doesn’t it?
I could feel the conviction in my chest as it tightened. This was not where I was supposed to be. I don’t belong in the world. God was calling me to another level of obedience. Stay and laugh with the world or walk away and have a deeper level of intimacy with Him. I had an important choice to make. 15 minutes into the movie I grabbed my trash and walked out quickly before I changed my mind, aggravated that I’d wasted $7.50, but desperate to be obedient to my Papa.
[ctt template=”3″ link=”ytS91″ via=”yes” ]God isn’t waiting for us to get our crap together. He wants to partner with us right where we are. [/ctt]
Hearing the Right Voice
On the 45-minute drive home, I talked with God again about my struggle with eating. I apologized again. And I asked Him to strengthen me, again. Sometimes I still wait for condemning words to come like, “Get your crap together, Sundi Jo. I’m tired of going through this over and over again with you.” And they do come – from the enemy. I’m yet to hear God say those words, because that’s just not who He is. No… He’s patient. And He’ll talk with me if I’ll listen. He’ll show me mercy again, because He is full of mercy. He’ll give me strength again, because He’s full of strength.
Later that night I sat on the couch and watched a Billy Graham documentary. Towards the end of the film, someone mentioned the words, “harvesting of souls.” The Lord spoke to my heart again and spoke those words over me. He let me know I would be a harvester of souls.
I wouldn’t have watched that documentary had I stayed for the two-hour movie. I wouldn’t have heard those words had I chosen to conform to the world.
One Small Decision Impacts the Kingdom
The next morning I attended a church I’d been visiting who had some guest speakers. I almost didn’t go due to a family emergency but I heard the Lord tell me that it was important I attend. So I decided to be obedient.
Two hours later I left that service with a healed heart at a new level. This couple prophesied over me and towards the end, this dear woman, Vicki, shared with me that I would a “harvester of souls.” Say what???? Was she in my living room the night before? No, but God was. And He’s so awesome to confirm things to us so that we know it’s from Him. I wish you could’ve been there. I snot bubble cried, for the record.
I believe that day could’ve gone very differently for me had I not chosen to be obedient over a $7.50 movie. I believe I would have missed out on at least part of that prophecy had I chosen to conform to the patterns of this world. I believe that one small decision made a big impact in the Kingdom. And I believe I’m going to see fruit from it.
Despite myself. Despite my struggles. Despite repeated sin that gets me entangled. Despite all of it, God doesn’t wait for me to get my crap together to use me for His Kingdom. Nope.. He partners with me right where I am. He loves me right where I am, while calling me to better things so I don’t stay stuck. Why He is so patient with me I have no idea.
The same goes for you, my friend. He’s not waiting for you to get your crap together, but He is calling you to something greater. What’s getting in the way? Where are you conforming? What are you missing out on because it’s easier to stay comfortable in the world?
May I challenge you to step out of your comfort zone today and allow God to rock your world, despite being afraid? I dare you to do it afraid. Be bold afraid. Be courageous afraid. He’ll never let us go as long as we continue to cling to Him, despite our sins and stupid decisions.
Let’s love the world together without being part of the world, eh? Are you in?