This is a guest post by my new friend, Wyatt Fisher, Psy. D. Fisher is a Christian Psychologist and the founder of Christiancrush.com. Find him on Google Plus.
Understanding relational styles can be essential to having successful dates, friendships, and even family reunions.
One very common relational style is called “other-orientation”. It’s a nice 50-cent word that means you’re a people pleaser to the core. Other-oriented people are known for being compassionate and agreeable, but these qualities also make them vulnerable.
In an article from Psychology Today, Henriques stated, “It is crucial to note that compassion, attraction and appreciation of the other are some of the most positive and hopeful aspects of being other-oriented.” Being other-oriented might make you more compassionate and agreeable, but it might also make you more likely to forget to take care of yourself.
In general, people who are highly other-oriented rely on the approval of others and avoid conflict. When they are put in a situation that might lead to conflict, they sometimes are told to just be more assertive. Unfortunately for other-oriented people, it’s not as simple as flipping the switch between people-pleasing and demanding what they want. Think of it as a “Don’t Rock the Boat” approach to life – it affects every relationship. Too much other-orientation may lead to extreme dependency. Submitting isn’t always a bad thing, but there are some who are so other-oriented that they’ll submit as the slightest provocation.
If you are other-oriented, don’t feel bad about sympathizing with your friends or wanting to make your date feel more comfortable. Being kind and agreeable is completely natural for you. Just be careful of caring too much about others and not enough about yourself. Friends and family are important people, but you could spend your entire life holding back your own feelings and desires simply to avoid conflicting views. Those who are not 100% other-oriented should keep an eye out for their people-pleasing friends.
If you see someone who too often seeks the approval of others, help them out and remind them that they are just as important as the next person. Here are a few ways we can all help one another:
1) Be Compassionate
Compassion makes the world a better place, but compassion in the name of human approval is dangerous. Try striking a balance between loving others while also loving yourself. If you aren’t other-oriented, take care of those who are by being aware of their tendencies and refusing to manipulate them.
2) Don’t fear others
Receiving disapproval can be debilitating. Read through John 12:37-43 and you’ll see an example of people who didn’t stand up for themselves because they were worried about the human consequences. That final verse packs an impressive punch: “For they loved the glory that comes from man more than the glory that comes from God.” These men didn’t follow their consciences or convictions about Jesus because they feared man more than God. We need to stop making fear of disapproval such an idol in our lives and start leading a more liberated life.
3) Be a Jesus Pleaser
Ultimately, we must become more preoccupied with pleasing Jesus than pleasing others. A recent message at Flatirons Church in Colorado emphasized the importance of following Him and obeying His Word at all costs. If we can turn our approval seeking, people pleasing tendency into seeking His approval instead, we’ll be all set. Talk about a transformational redirect! The next time you feel the urge to look towards your peers for your value, beauty, and identity; remember to look up to God instead. By doing so, you’ll be taking your vulnerable tendency of defining yourself through others and rewiring it by illuminating your true self through the One who designed you. What’s helped you stop being a people pleaser? Share with us in the comments below…
The woman on the treadmill next to me, who I like to call “Crazy Treadmill Lady,” was going 5,000 mph. (It was actually 7.5, but for dramatization’s sake, we’ll go with 5,000.)
I was excited about the progress I was making at 4.5 mph until I looked over and saw how fast she was going. All of a sudden, I felt like I couldn’t compare. What was the point of me even going to the gym if I couldn’t keep up with her?
Watch the video to learn how God quickly changed my heart from comparing myself to cheering her on.
Comparison steals joy. Let’s put an end to it. (Tweet that)
Galatians 6:4 says,
Let everyone be sure to do his very best, for then he will have the personal satisfaction of work done well and won’t need to compare himself with someone else. (LB)
Yikes. We can’t find satisfaction and do our best for God when we’re disrespecting what He’s blessed us with and desiring what He’s given to someone else. Where do you find yourself comparing to others? How did God draw your heart back to Him? Share in the comments…
God doesn’t laugh with you. He’s too serious for that. He didn’t create humor, so why would you even think about laughing?
This is what so many people are led to believe. That life is serious and God isn’t interested in enjoying time with you. Laughter doesn’t belong in the church.
That’s far from the truth, my friends.
God created laughter, just as He was kind enough to create the sunshine for us to see in the day, and the stars to shine over us as we sleep at night. Except that one really bright star that shines in my face at 2 am. Oh wait.. That’s an airplane. Nevermind.
Seriously though, God wants to laugh with you. (Tweet That)
Enjoy this video as I talk about a recent moment where God and laughed together over the blessing. Yes.. I laughed and prayed at the same time. Shh… don’t tell God.
I hope you learn to laugh with God, too. He takes great delight in you and wants to enjoy every area of your life with you, including the funny stuff that makes Dr. Pepper come out of your nose.
He laughed at me when I asked Him to let the Cubs win the World Series this year. I’m hoping He’ll change his mind. Name something you and God recently had a good laugh about. Share in the comments….
Many of you know I’m a huge fan of the show, Restaurant Impossible. Robert Irvine knows what he’s doing and his leadership skills are impressive.
During a recent episode, a restaurant owner was just months away from her restaurant being closed, which she purchased from the family. Every time Robert would ask her a question, she would start crying. She seemed genuinely desperate for help.
Then Robert started digging and the truth came out.
The restaurant was failing, yes. But Robert was about to get to the why behind the what?
Watch the video to hear exactly why this restaurant was failing and how we can learn to take responsibility together.
Here were a few reasons why the restaurant owner wasn’t taking responsibility for her failing restaurant.
She was lonely and felt abandoned by her family
Because of that, she didn’t think she could trust anyone, which caused her to micromanage
She was trying to hold everyhing together and be in control, because that was safe for her
She was trying to be great at everything and wasn’t good at anything
But why was her temper tantrum good? Because it got to the why. They could now deal with the real issue at hand as to why the restaurant was failing.
After a mini counseling session, she finally took responsibility, realizing she was in an unhealthy position. Was she cured overnight? Doubtful, but she got to the why behind the what, and that will allow her to continue taking the next right step.
So, I ask you today, what do you need to take responsibility for? What’s keeping you from taking the next right step? Where are you stuck? What fear is holding you back?
It’s not until we know the truth, friends, that we can move forward. (Tweet This)
Sometimes I notice things I don’t want to see.
I realize the older I get the more I enjoy details. It’s important for me to know the why behind the what. That’s not necessarily a bad thing, but it can often get me into trouble. Lysa TerKeurst’s #BEaNOTICER series inspired me to look at my own heart.
It’s much easier for me to notice what others are doing wrong much quicker than what they do right.
Why didn’t he remember we had that conversation last week? Why is she perusing through the Facebook world when she’s supposed to be listening to the sermon? I would never raise my kids like that!
Yes, I can be a real jerk, quickly forgetting the wonderful things my friends do in the midst of their flaws.
Oh how quick I am to forget the numerous amount of times they’ve wanted to “fix” me, but choose to love me without judgment despite my weaknesses.
I realize God gives us discernment to pay attention to things that require action, but He’s also given us the ability to notice the beauty in every person He so graciously created.
I want to be a different kind of noticer. The kind who says,
“I love how you smile at everyone you meet and don’t know a stranger.”
“Thank you for listening to my problems even when you’re exhausted.”
“Your kids are so blessed to have you as their mother.”
What do you notice in others? Is it the need to fix others that draws you near, or your desire to simply know them more?
Guilt and shame. It’s something we’ve all dealt with numerous times in our lives. I’m sure we’ll soon meet again.
Is there a difference between guilt and shame? According to shame researcher Brene Brown, the answer to that question is yes. I agree.
Let’s break it down thanks to Mrs. Brown. (Okay, I just wrote the beginning of a rap song there, in case you didn’t notice.)
Guilt = I did something bad.
Shame = I am bad.
Here are a few examples of guilt vs. shame: Example 1: Overreating
You’ve struggled with food all of your life. You sit down for dinner and eat some leftover spaghetti from the night before. You’re bored. You’re lonely, so within a few minutes of finishing your dinner you rummage through the pantry until you find something else to snack on. Perhaps some crackers or a Pop-Tart. You’re full, you think.
Now the aftermath sets in. I shouldn’t have done that. I’m such a loser. I’m always going to be fat because I can’t control myself for five minutes. There’s no hope for me.
Sound familiar? It certainly does to me.
Guilt = I didn’t stop eating when I was full.
Shame = I’m a pig. There’s not hope for me. Example 2: Marriage
Your husband comes home from a long day of work and has looked forward to your delicious cooking all day long. You, too, had a hard day and realize as you pull into the driveway you forgot to lay the chicken out. There’s not time to prepare now. A frozen pizza it is. He walks into the kitchen with a disappointing look on his face.
The aftermath sets in and your thoughts go wild. Oh great, I screwed up again! I’m such a horrible wife. I’ll never be good enough for him. I can’t even cook a decent meal for my husband.
Guilt = I forgot to lay out the chicken to make his favorite meal.
Shame = I don’t know why I even bother. I’ll never make a good wife.
I could give a wide variety of examples, but I think you get the point.
Here’s the takeaway:
Shame is not from God. Never has been. Never will be. (Tweet that)
So you screwed up and ate more than you should. Allow that guilt to prompt you into repentance. The gracious God who created you and loves you wants to lavish you with His grace. Allow Him to give you that gift.
You forgot to lay out dinner. I bet it won’t be the last time. Smile at your husband, admit you forgot and enjoy your pizza with a nice glass of wine and a Netflix movie. You’ll laugh about it later, if you allow yourself to.
Here’s what God says about shame,
Those who look to Him are radiant; their faces are never covered with shame. – Psalm 34:5
You, my friend are radiant. Embrace it. What truth do you tell yourself when shame tries to take over? Share in the comments.
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