Hey friend. I know we’re not friends yet, but I thought I’d say it anyway. Maybe someday we will be. Maybe someday we’ll sit down over coffee and laugh and cry with one another.
Before we make it to coffee, though, there are a couple things I’d love to say.
First of all, I’m sorry for where you’ve been and where you are.
I’m sorry. I’m sorry for the numerous times you’ve been exposed to the darkness of that world, whether by your own accord or by force. I’m truly sorry.
Maybe you’re thinking, how can you say you’re sorry for me for something I’ve done to myself? I can say it because I mean it. Because I know that though you think that’s where you want to be, or where you deserve to be, that it’s not really where you want to be.
I realize we don’t know each other, but here’s what I can say I know about you. I know without a doubt you didn’t wake up one day and say, “I can’t wait to be a porn star. I can’t wait to defile my body in front of millions of people. I can’t wait to get paid for having sex. I can’t wait to wonder if my parents or my children will someday see what I’ve done.”
Whatever the circumstances are that lead us each individually down the road of darkness, deep down inside none of us want to be there. We can lie to ourselves all day long, but someday the truth will come to the surface.
So, I’m sorry. I’m sorry you feel like you’re stuck in a place that you’ll never get out of. I’m sorry for whomever has hurt you. I’m sorry that you think there’s nothing better for you in this life than the path you have chosen. I’m sorry for the never ending cycle of destruction you feel stuck in because you can’t see past the fog enough to know there is another world out there – a world of hope.
That fog can be lifted, my friend. That heaviness that keeps sucking you back into the very world you hate can be removed. That shame that you can’t seem to scrub off yourself can be washed away. I promise.
I know you don’t know me, so for me to make that promise to you probably makes you roll your eyes. That’s ok. I’m going to say it anyway, because whether you trust me or not, I know it to be truth.
Secondly, Will you forgive me?
With all of my heart, I am sorry. I’m sorry for what I’ve done to you. I’m sorry for exposing you. I’m sorry for the pain I have caused. God has forgiven me, I know. I have forgiven myself. But today I seek your forgiveness. You see, for years I was exposed to your world, too, but on the other side.
My name is Sundi Jo and I was pornography addict for almost 20 years. At 5 years old I was forced to watch it by a babysitter, and from that day foreword my life was never the same. That world sucked me in and I began to normalize it, assuming it was the way it was supposed to be, yet knowing deep down inside that something about it wasn’t okay. I didn’t know how to get out. I didn’t know who to tell. I didn’t know if I would ever be free.
Have you felt like that, too? I’ve always been a question asker, trying to understand the why behind things. As a teenager I would watch you and wonder what was going through your mind. Were you scared? Were you enjoying it? Is this what you wanted to be when you grew up?
Oh, my friend, we were both so broken. I even had a dream to open up my own pornography store. I had the name written down in a drawer. I was planning to make a living off of your shame. I’m so sorry. I’m so sorry.
I found a way out.
I know the last thing you probably want to hear about right now is Jesus, but I need you to listen. I need you to toss the bitterness aside for a minute and listen to me. It was only Jesus who set me free. It was only Jesus who helped me see I had more value than what I was doing to myself.
It was only Jesus who said, “I don’t care what you’ve done in the past, I still choose you.” I won’t beat you over the head with a bunch of scripture, but when you’re ready to sit down for coffee, I’ll be excited to share. I
don’t know for sure, but I would bet the one thing we have in common is shame. You see, shame led me to continue exposing myself to your world. Shame told me I couldn’t tell anyone because they would judge me. Shame sent me back time and time again. My shame fed into your shame. I’m so sorry.
[ctt template=”3″ link=”3kiyp” via=”yes” ]No one has dreams as a child about being a porn star, an alcoholic, drug addict, prostitute, or porn addict. No one.[/ctt]
I would bet it’s shame that sent you there in the first place. If you’re still stuck in that world, I’m betting shame tells you that you can’t get out. I bet shame tells you that you’ll never amount to anything and this is what you deserve. Shame tells you that you’re too dirty to ever be truly loved.
My friend, shame is a liarl
Listen to me. You are still a daughter. A grand daughter. Perhaps you’re a sister. An aunt. Maybe even a mother. Your choices don’t take that away from you. Listen to me. It’s not too late for you to get out. It’s not too late for you to be free. It’s not too late for you.
Listen to me. You are valuable. You matter. You’re important. You. Are. Valuable.
Love, Sundi Jo