This is a guest post by my new friend, Wyatt Fisher, Psy. D. Fisher is a Christian Psychologist and the founder of Christiancrush.com. Find him on Google Plus.
Understanding relational styles can be essential to having successful dates, friendships, and even family reunions.
Photo Credit: LyndaSanchez via Compfight cc
One very common relational style is called “other-orientation”. It’s a nice 50-cent word that means you’re a people pleaser to the core. Other-oriented people are known for being compassionate and agreeable, but these qualities also make them vulnerable.
In an article from Psychology Today, Henriques stated, “It is crucial to note that compassion, attraction and appreciation of the other are some of the most positive and hopeful aspects of being other-oriented.” Being other-oriented might make you more compassionate and agreeable, but it might also make you more likely to forget to take care of yourself.
In general, people who are highly other-oriented rely on the approval of others and avoid conflict. When they are put in a situation that might lead to conflict, they sometimes are told to just be more assertive. Unfortunately for other-oriented people, it’s not as simple as flipping the switch between people-pleasing and demanding what they want. Think of it as a “Don’t Rock the Boat” approach to life – it affects every relationship. Too much other-orientation may lead to extreme dependency. Submitting isn’t always a bad thing, but there are some who are so other-oriented that they’ll submit as the slightest provocation.
If you are other-oriented, don’t feel bad about sympathizing with your friends or wanting to make your date feel more comfortable. Being kind and agreeable is completely natural for you. Just be careful of caring too much about others and not enough about yourself. Friends and family are important people, but you could spend your entire life holding back your own feelings and desires simply to avoid conflicting views. Those who are not 100% other-oriented should keep an eye out for their people-pleasing friends.
If you see someone who too often seeks the approval of others, help them out and remind them that they are just as important as the next person. Here are a few ways we can all help one another:
1) Be Compassionate
Compassion makes the world a better place, but compassion in the name of human approval is dangerous. Try striking a balance between loving others while also loving yourself. If you aren’t other-oriented, take care of those who are by being aware of their tendencies and refusing to manipulate them.
2) Don’t fear others
Receiving disapproval can be debilitating. Read through John 12:37-43 and you’ll see an example of people who didn’t stand up for themselves because they were worried about the human consequences. That final verse packs an impressive punch: “For they loved the glory that comes from man more than the glory that comes from God.” These men didn’t follow their consciences or convictions about Jesus because they feared man more than God. We need to stop making fear of disapproval such an idol in our lives and start leading a more liberated life.
3) Be a Jesus Pleaser
Ultimately, we must become more preoccupied with pleasing Jesus than pleasing others. A recent message at Flatirons Church in Colorado emphasized the importance of following Him and obeying His Word at all costs. If we can turn our approval seeking, people pleasing tendency into seeking His approval instead, we’ll be all set. Talk about a transformational redirect! The next time you feel the urge to look towards your peers for your value, beauty, and identity; remember to look up to God instead. By doing so, you’ll be taking your vulnerable tendency of defining yourself through others and rewiring it by illuminating your true self through the One who designed you.
What’s helped you stop being a people pleaser? Share with us in the comments below…