It’s January 2, 2014. Yesterday I got on the scale as I prepared to start my annual 21-day liquid fast. This is the second year I’ve done it, as a way to rejuvenate myself both physically and spiritually. I saw amazing results from it the first time around, so I’m excited to do it again.
Ah…. But back to the scale.
I weighed in at 225 lbs. For a split second my mind was in shock. The scale has to be wrong. It just has to be. But I knew in my heart it wasn’t wrong.
Since Christmas Eve I have emotionally eaten myself into oblivion, gaining 11 pounds. Wow! That adds up to more than one pound per day I gained. My heart is saddened and my feelings humiliated.
Why is that number staring back at me so harshly and sending a tornado of mixed emotions through my heart and mind?
Because I’ve gained 40 lbs. of the 145 I lost. Since 2010, the weight has managed to climb back up.
My heart hurts. I hear a thousand things going through my head at once. Failure. Embarrassment. Hypocrite. Forgiven. Shamed. Grace. Fat. Overwhelmed. Second Chance. The list goes on.
There is a whirlwind of words, but my mind focuses on the ones not from God, but rather from the enemy who sets out to destroy me. Why is it so much easier to believe that I am an embarrassment to those around me versus believing that God’s grace washes over me like Niagara Falls?
I write this to you today with a vulnerability hangover. I love those two words, stolen from Brenee Brown. Vulnerability is scary, and sharing a number like that with the world is way too far out of my comfort zone.
But I’m doing it afraid.
It’s real. I’m here. A wake up call is ringing in my ear asking me how I got to this point. There are a number of factors I guess. Hormones. Lack of energy and ability to exercise. Emotions. No discipline. In the end, the responsibility is mine, and I receive it. There is no time to blame; only time to move forward.
My clothes are tighter. My face is puffier. But my soul seeks something bigger, the God who created me and desires to see me live out His mission designed just for me. I want that. I do.
I share this truth with the world, destined to do it without humiliation and shame, but to say hope still exists. It’s very real. It happens one moment at a time. One day at a time. One breath at a time.
I am a new creation in Christ Jesus, but I must live that way. I must believe it in the depths of my soul so that I may walk out the truth. The old has gone and the new has come. The new is here. Shall I embrace it? Yes.
Will you join me on this journey of vulnerability as I strive to say goodbye to the extra baggage I have allowed myself to carry?
I will join you on yours too. Let it go.
[guestpost]I wrote this post in January, not intending to share it with others. I thought it would be healing to put my feelings into words. I felt led to share it with you today. Thank you for being a safe place to be honest. [/guestpost]
As one who has struggled with my weight for years, I feel your pain. It’s so easy to go back to those old habits. But as you say, we have to take it one step at a time.
Yes, Joan. It’s amazing what God’s doing in my life by just taking the next right step.
Amen! I’m working on losing weight and it’s hard. I’m slowing getting back to exercising with the exercises that my physical therapist gave me. I hope to do more but first I need to strengthen my core and knees. One step at a time…For me 2014 is a year of becoming healthy again.
Love that you said healthy, Julie, not just losing weight. That’s what it’s about – not dieting, but being healthy. Here’s to the next right step.
IMO losing weight is harder than many other things because its legal, and more socially acceptable than certain things..you can eat and drive, you can eat in public, you can purchase food after 1:30 AM.
You’re right Lisa. Gluttony is the “acceptable” sin. I hope to make more people aware of this.
I think this is your opportunity to tell another beautiful story about redemption and about how we are all a work in progress. How do you want this part of your story to unfold and end? Does it end with you running a 10K for charity? How many people can you help along the way? How does God change your character in this chapter of your life?
Great questions, David. God is at work in all of this right now, teaching me to take the next right step.
You stick with it! You are stronger than any number! I actually put my scale away. I am working hard to lose weight, much harder than I had to work to gain it. I get up in the morning work out and eat healthy. Do I allow myself cheats? Absolutely! But I work hard and feel great. The scale only brought frustration, guilt and shame. That is not who I am and I am a firm believer in cutting out things from my life until I’m strong enough to conquer them. One day I will step back on the scale and then I will laugh right in it’s numbered face because I will come out on top! Praying for you friend, keep on keeping on!
Thanks for the encouragement. Appreciate it.
Thanks for the encouragement, Amanda.
I was just thinking this last night! “Why is it so much easier to believe that I am an embarrassment to those around me versus believing that God’s grace washes over me like Niagara Falls?” – well not those exact words – but why are we so prone to believing the lies??
Angie Smith says it so perfectly “…I was able to accept my behavior, defending it because it lined up with what I thought of myself. More than that, I sought to maintain this image I had by wallowing in the ugliness instead of asking the Lord to help me make Godly choices.”
I look at that almost every day- because it speaks to my heart about every aspect of my life, my weight, depression (which I refuse to call ‘mine’) and life in general.
Wow! Love that quote, Susie. Thanks.
Wow! Love that quote..
Joining with you Sundi Jo! I find myself seeing a number that humiliates me and no matter how much I want to pass the blame to my fibromyalgia, hormones, etc. I need to face the fact that I’m the only one that can make a change and change the scale. Thank you for your openness!
Thanks, Kim. I struggle with those things too, but I don’t want to use them as a crutch.
I have written about this too! “Let’s be honest, I’m fat” was one of the hardest things I’ve ever written. I get it. Last night I told my husband, choking back the tears, “I feel invisible!” I really do. I feel invisible and even though I’m fat . . . that even makes me more invisible–a strange twist isn’t it. In that moment I realized that I’ve been waving my flag in front of the wrong people, I’ve been seeking the wrong relationships, I’ve been wanting what isn’t mine.
In understanding that truth seeks truth. What I seek is really seeking me, I just need to be patient, do my own work and be true to my soul’s calling.
Since January I have lost 12 pounds. I have about 60 to go. I’m ready now–to lose the weight. I’m ready now to be the person that is a healthy weight. I am ready to enter the next season of my life a smaller version than what I have been in this current season.
Be Blessed as you are a blessing!
Congrats Renee on the 12 pounds. That’s a huge accomplishment. You can do this thing!
Losing weight and keeping it off is hard. Unlike other habits/addictions, we can’t quit altogether. We must eat to survive. The challenge is balancing the energy in/energy out equation. For me, every time I think I have it right, something changes… The weather gets bad. The holidays come around. Menopause changes metabolism. Whatever. And then when we gain weight, we freak out or beat ourselves up and that breeds stress… which makes us eat even more!! I read a quote last week (from Jimmy Pena of PrayFit): “Grace removes the burden of trying to perfect a body that won’t last, yet grace is the reason to honor God with it every day that it does.” I’ve been struggling lately with all of it, but I saw that quote and was reminded that my body is a temple, and I DO need to honor God with it… You can do it, Sundi Jo! WE can do it!!
Awesome quote Brenda. Here’s to life change!
Good for you………such a hard thing for any of us to do. I am working on being healthier also….. losing weight, gaining strength, increasing stamina, dealing w/ adrenal and thyroid issues….it all takes so much work….but it will be worth it. 🙂 Thank you for being vulnerable. 🙂
Thank you for the encouragement, Joy. You can do this!
Sundi, thank you for continuing to share your story. Anyone who has struggled with can relate, especially those of us who have large amounts involved. We are ashamed, feel alone, don’t want to share with anyone, however, we really are sharing with everyone in the world without using words, because many times others see what we don’t want to discuss or admit to. This is one rollercoaster I ride in life that I want to get off. After having three children in my 20s, I got down to a comfortable at 145. Unfortunately I didn’t maintain or stay at that weight for any length of time due to the health of some family members. Eventually I hit my all-time high of 293. Three years ago I got down to 209, only to have another few chaotic years. I’ve been sitting at 255 for the past year. I’m happy I haven’t gone higher, but always beating myself up for not making myself priority. I would like to strongly emphasize the importance of making yourself and your health priority as early as you can in your life and making the necessary changes. I turned 50 in December and it is so much harder. Before reading this post, I took a picture with my son who’s in from out of state because I don’t get to see him often. I hate pictures, but do it anyway. I looked at it and said, ‘that’s why I have to get back to the gym’. We can easily ignore mirrors or look only at our faces, but when we look at the full picture, we see the real truth. Thanks, Sundi, for reminding us we’re not alone. Women put others ahead of ourselves. Let’s make ourselves priority! We’re worth it!
Preach it Michele! 🙂 So glad you’re getting back on track. Let’s do this thing!
Sundi Jo, I had lost 45 pounds years ago and felt wonderful, visible, great. And then people made comments. Okay male people and I got scared, felt out there. So I ran to food and little by little put those 45 pounds back on. Then I felt safe, surrounded by me. I was unhappy. And as you age it IS harder. You have to put in twice or three times the effort to get half of the results. So the big picture is too big. But the next mouthful is doable.
I am so with you on this. And another thing I fight is drinking the water. I just won’t do it. I think if Jesus poured me water I would still say, “No thank you.” So I want to tackle both things. I’ve started back with my walking, but I want all three.
Thanks for this post and for your vulnerability. I am going to trust that when I feel exposed I can hide in Him instead of excess me.
Yes. Great plan. Hide in Him, instead of ourselves.
Sundi Jo, I appreciate your vulnerability. It pushes me to be vulnerable as well. I grew up competing on horseback on a national level, always in shape, etc. But recently, I have been unable to be active because of a series of health setbacks and it has been incredibly difficult for me to be real and vulnerable with my friends and family about what I can and can’t handle physically. Thank you for your vulnerability, it’s encouraging and challenging to me.
Thank you, Tiffany. I’m so glad it could encourage you. Thank you for encouraging me to continue being real. Wishing you well and great health.
Thank you, Sundi Jo 🙂
Thanks for sharing your story with us..afraid and all!
Thank you Alecia. Happy to share.
I’m really grateful that you shared this. Vulnerability is without a doubt difficult but it is what unites us with one another to know that we are not alone in what we are facing and it brings so much encouragement and also the reminder we have something to fight for. The fight is what I have been struggling with in my life. The every day challenge of trusting and moving forward even though our flesh desires desperately to rest in what is easy and comfortable. God helped me to loose a large amount of weight some years ago. I have gained a large majority of it back and have been very discouraged myself. It can be very defeating. Loving ourselves no matter where we are in life though is what gives us the freedom to except His constant redeeming grace to get beyond it. Thank you for being a reminder and encourager and not letting the devil win in silence!
Laura, so glad the post could encourage you. And so glad the devil isn’t going to win in either of our lives!