How One Choice Changes the Trajectory of Our Lives

My boss always says she’s the reactor and I’m the responder. If she only knew how hard Jesus and I have to work to not react. Not. Even. Kidding. And I certainly don’t get it right every single time. Just ask those closest to me. My friend Marcie didn’t nickname me Moses for nothing.

Lately, though, I’ve had to catch myself putting it into practice even more, since I’m actually teaching others in the prison system the importance of responding vs. reacting. Don’t you hate when you actually have to practice what you preach? Just me?? Ok.. 

As I sit with these men and women who are incarcerated for a number of different crimes and we start to unpack responding vs. reacting, it’s amazing to see the countenance on their faces change when they realize what a difference it makes. When they realize their whole life could’ve been different if they’d chose to respond to life instead of react.

But it’s even cooler to watch their countenance change when they realize it’s not too late to start. It’s not too late for them to learn new coping mechanisms for their future. I didn’t realize until these last few months just how powerful the words, “It’s not too late” really are. 

Many good and bad things happen to us in our lives, whether it’s pain we’ve caused ourselves or pain caused by others. We may not be in control of everything that happens to us, but we are in control of how we react to those things.

I thought I’d share with you today what I share with those I teach. I hope it’s helpful.

Reacting vs. Responding

In every situation we have two choices:

1. We can
2. We can

Depending on what we choose determines the outcome of our next steps and the consequences that come from that choice. It’s easy to react to people and events in our lives. It takes self-control and discipline to respond.

Reacting = Instant. We do or say something without thinking. We let our minds run the show instead of choosing self-control. A reaction takes place in the moment and we don’t take into consideration the long-term effects of what we say or do. Many times we regret it later.

Responding = Comes more slowly. We consider the consequences before we speak or act. When we choose to respond, we take into consideration the well-being of not only ourselves but those around us.

A reaction and a response may look exactly alike, but they feel very different.

The more we react, the less empowered we are.

“Every outcome you experience in life whether it’s illness or wellness, wealth or poverty, success or failure, love or hate, etc., is the result of how you have responded to an earlier event in your life. If you want to change the results you get in the future, you must change how you respond to events in your life starting today.” – Jack Canfield

Sometimes when we don’t like the results we’re experiencing, we choose to blame the event for our lack of the outcome.

[ctt template=”3″ link=”OZ2Cf” via=”yes” ]How we respond to life’s circumstances determines our future success.[/ctt]

We can blame our lack of education, gender, parents, teachers, spouses, lack of money, the weather, the Government, and so on. But do we ever stop to ask ourselves how our response affects our lives?

There have probably been some horrible things you’ve endured in your life, and those things should be recognized. They are very real and have impacted you. If we allow those events to control how we live our lives though, we’re in big trouble.

How we respond to life’s circumstances determines our future success.

Canfield says…

“We ignore useful feedback, fail to continuously educate ourselves and learn new skills, waste time on the trivial aspects of our lives, engage in idle gossip, eat unhealthy food, fail to exercise, spend more than we make, fail to tell the truth, don’t ask for what we want, and then wonder why our lives aren’t working.” 

So, what do successful people do? They choose something different. They change their responses to the events until they get the outcome they want. Canfield calls this the E+R=O formula.

E+R=O

Change your response (R) to the events (E) until you get the outcome (O) you want.

For us to respond to life instead of reacting to it, we need to follow these three steps:

1. Clarify our perception of the event.
2. Decide what outcome we want.
3. Determine the response we will have.

Canfield reminds us to “remember, you control your destiny … so make it a fantastic one!”

Can you think of a time you reacted instead of responding and what the outcome was? Can you think of a time you responded instead of reacting and what the outcome was? Feel free to share in the comments.